Static on the Wadio - Episode 9

Twenty years ago, Christina and I shared our first Valentine's together. I must admit that I never imagined that our twentieth would be just as wonderful as that first one. I didn't even know if we would even have a second one, to be honest, but I can say with all of my heart that I am so happy to be here celebrating with the love of my life.

This Valentine's Day, let's embrace those that we love. Let's hold them in our hearts and let them know how much they mean to us. I love you, Christina, now and forever. I love...

SOTW - EP09 (Heart)
01. Johnny Cash - The First Time Ever I saw Your Face
02. Austra - You Changed My life
03. Warpaint - By Your Side
04. Caribou - Can't Do Without You
05. Lamb - Gorecki
06. Gotan Project - Tu Misterio
07. Dario Marianelli - She Is of the Heavens
08. Chromatics - I Want Your Love
09. Washed Out - You & I
10. Small Black - Breathless
11. Chungking - Come With Me
12. Feist - Inside and Out
13. Yuna - Favorite Thing
14. Camera Obscura - This Is Love (Feels Alright)
15. Camper Van Beethoven - One of These Days
16. Jolie Holland - All the Love
17. Heartless Bastards - Only for You
18. Midnight Pine - Always
19. Hindi Zahra - Oursoul
20. Mulatu Astatke - I Can't Live Without You
21. Milosh - You Fill Me
22. Al Green - I'm Still In Love With You
23. John Coltrane - I Love You
24. Bill Evans Trio - Beautiful Love (Take 1)
25. Lucinda Williams - Sweet Love
26. The Watson Twins - Only You
27. Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
28. Amy Winehouse - (There Is) No Greater Love
29. Tord Gustavsen Quartet - Devotion

SweetHeart

Did you know that Love causes a physiological reaction in the human body? That the mind of a person pushes forth when a surge of Love enters the mainframe? Were you aware that the simple essence of a caress at the base of the neck will fill the brain with enough endorphins to create new life? That drugs are forever trying to simulate these sensations?

The reason that I mention these strange phenomenon to you is simply because I think that it's enlightening to discover the foundation for what we have when we are together. It gives me great joy to understand that there is a reason for the way that I feel when I'm with you. That it can be so thoroughly and wonderfully explained in this life. I find comfort in that truth, just as I find comfort when I look into your eyes and you show me another truth. I truly appreciate the wonders of our physical connection, just as I yearn for the dream that envelops us when you take me into your arms.

None of this may be new to you, or to me, but it will always be electric, reflecting the connection that we have. We are conductors for each other, shining a light forward onto each other's path. We are supports that anchor us with strength that forms into a cohesive combination of unlimited power and potential. We have a new hope with each rising sun that brings us together again, folding upon one another with the breath of each day that feeds our lifelines.

It's magical, isn't it? To grow up together within such a framework of happiness? It's physiologically imperative that we continue to give each other such wonderful gifts. They bring smiles and laughter and hugs and endearment and forever and hope and desire and pleasure and lust and comfort. To cherish something as divine as the warmth of your hand is more powerful than any self-help guru because it gives without asking and it nurtures. It's constantly evolving into new shapes and dreams. It's Love and every time you give it to me, I never feel the same again.

(Valentines Day 2010)

10 Years

Sometimes whne I look at the flowers on the side of the road, they're not quite in focus. I don't know if it's the way that the petals are arranged or if the dpi isn't set right or if the blur that flashes across my vision is from the movement of the car or if it's the way the wind makes their tiny stems shudder, but it seems like I can't see the defined structure of such a natural beauty. And they are beautiful, dotting the landscape with their splash of colour, each one a little sun brightening the mundane environment that consumes us all. Yet, the heart of that beauty forever eludes us because we cannot stop and appreciate each individual blossom as it bursts forth with life.

When I look back at the man I was ten years ago today, that's the elusive vision that springs forth in my mind. It was a wonderful and beautiful day that exploded around us, full of life, anxious to breathe each feeling as if we would never feel that way again. I have such a strong emotional response to this memory but I don't see my younger self as someone who was defined, who was willing to show off the colour of his petals with briskness and boldness. I see someone who was unsure about embracing the life-giving qualities of the sun, yearning to find something that would give him definition and hoping with a big heart that moments such as these would come to mean something valuable someday.

It's weird because I've always been someone whose heart was always more hopeful than his head. I'm intelligent enough but my racing manipulations always seemed to get in the way. I was completely in love with this woman who stood next to me and shook the foundation of my soul. I knew that I wanted to share this defining moment with her and only her. She was the person that I wished to give of myself and share my life with. My heart had already done all of these things so many times over the previous three years. We were already married that day and now we were about to make it official. But inside my head I heard a lot and I was thinking about the omniscient design that controls our actions when we perform these social rituals. I was delving into the broader mind of our social construct and wondering if there was a bigger purpose to all of it and if so, what my greater purpose was because I had yet to discover that within myself.

Well, It's taken some time and I've learned over the years about the man I always wanted to become. I hope that today I have caught up to the romantic visions that forever yearned within my heart. Today, I find it easier to discover that each moment in our lives may carry such deep and everlasting importance as our wedding day. We have children now and new responsibilities and new hopes and dreams, but our hearts have never left that moment when we said "I do." A decade of love and searching and defining and embracing one another to reach this moment, and now I have vision, I can see the flower in my heart.

Over the years I have come to see my lovely wife in a whole new way but it's just as wonderful and endearing as ever. Last night we spent a beautiful evening listening to two classically trained guitarists play a jazz-classical-flamenco-gypsy infused show. When you listen to such an amazing soundscape as the one that they created, it takes you into an entirely new space, a realm where each and every nuance lifts you into a most pleasant place. I've always cherished music for the transcendental powers that it gives to each person depending on each unique perspective that they bring. Wallowing in each musical landscape has given me new insight into myself, delving deep so that I may understand this great life that I've been blessed with. Sitting next to Christina, cherishing her touch as the beauty of each song enveloped us, I realized that sharing my life with her has created such a transcendental composition as well.

She's so amazing and beautiful and intelligent and compassionate and demanding and loving and caring and imaginative and lovely and soft and strict and artistic and professional and hopeful and caressing. She has become more of a partner than I ever thought at the time, ten years ago today. My heart was right all along but in such a profound and unique way that traveling through the decade has provided a lens with immense focus and vision. I am so happy to discover this bright and clear vision of what we have become.

Today, I feel love in my heart and I feel loved. I have two wonderful children who give me value and pleasure every day. I embrace my wife of ten years more now than ever and I can't wait for the next ten years. And through it all, I have discovered a beautiful and encompassing world that provides so much for me...my own.



I also have another mix of music for this momentous occasion. A letter of song to my love, starting with our wedding song.

1. Camper Van Beethoven-One of The Days
2. Bob Marley-Natural Mystic
3. Norah Jones-Thinking About You
4. Melody Gardot-If the Stars Were Mine
5. Gregory Page-I'll See You In My Dreams
6. The Eels-The Longing
7. Sade-Lover's Rock
8. Yolanda Aranda-El Punete de los Suspiros
9. Gui Boratto-No Turning Back
10. Micah P. Hinson-Sunrise Over the Olympus Mons
11. Jocelyn Pook-Saffron
12. Emiliana Torrini-Bleeder

Valentine

We celebrated Valentine's Day once again and all of us who cherish another intimately felt the need to celebrate our love in some kind of special way. I made a play-list for Xtina and wrote her a beautiful letter reminding her just how wonderful she is to us. She woke to a musical charm poem and it brightened her day.

All day long I thought about the way that Valentine's Day has affected me throughout the years. Romance and beauty. Delight and Joy. Amor et vie. We all want to be cherished by another in our lives and this day of all days reminds us of this fundamental need.

I remember being in the first grade and sharing valentines with the entire class. That was my first introduction to the heart of this holiday. I bought valentines from Thrifty and prepared to pass them on to my fellow classmates. It was an interesting assignment because it didn't take long for me to designate certain valentines to certain people based on who they were in my life. A good friend would get one that I thought was cool. A girl I thought was pretty would get the most romantic one. Others who I didn't like ended up with the left-overs. I was evaluating the worth of those around me with these valentines. Perhaps, there were some who understood the subtle message I was sending with my choices and I'm sure there were others who couldn't care less, but I recall that this appropriation of valentines was extremely important to me. I knew that the message I sent out to these people, no matter how small it may seem, was so crucial.

Today, as I now evaluate my relationship with the person that I love, I recognize that those subtle messages are still so important. I've always felt that somewhere down in my soul I was connected to a deep romanticism, that I could communicate with the stars and someone out there would understand what I was trying to say. I never knew if this was going to be true but I always wished it were. I always wanted to believe that there was truth and that love was real.

When I met Xtina, I knew immediately that this desire I've felt my entire life could be expressed honestly and hopefully. We share the same channel and so often with our relationship we completely understand each other. Oh, to share a life with someone that you can cherish so closely is utter joy. It is the dream that I always had, the yearning of that small boy to be heard.

Happy Valentine's Day my sweet. You are my voice, the one that I hear with my ears.

She tells me about her dream. She says:

“I dreamt about you last night. I dreamt we were broken up and I was seeing someone new, someone handsomer and richer like a movie star. But when I saw you again I could feel my heart ache. I told you that we should forget about why we separated, none of it matters, that we should get back together."

I like her dream. I have thought about the horror of losing her to someone better than me and it caused me pain, the kind of pain that she felt in her dream. I still think it's wonderful because of the deeper truth. No matter what happens in our lives we will always have that ache for one another. The seed was planted in our chest nine years ago when we looked in each other’s eyes. My entire life was bent on finding that ache, searching for the reflection of it within another. On that night we found it and held it and cherished it so that it may become the essence of our dreams.

May 17, 1996

Eight years ago I went to a concert at UCSD called SunGod. Reckless behavior from the previous night had left me with a broken collarbone. It was the first time I had ever broken a bone in my body. This left me wishing for a quiet night free from the rowdy activities I engaged in on a regular basis at that point in my life. But my friends wouldn’t allow me to sulk and dragged me out to face the setting sun drunk on Vicatin. In the Round Table Pizza establishment on campus the beer began to flow and my carnal eye began to open. From the patio where we’d settled for the past hour I spotted a beauty with a warm smile and a hand clutching a pitcher of beer escape the internal room of the pizza parlor into the crowded spacious night. I looked away for a moment and when I turned back this woman with dark eyes and flowing hair and her friend were standing before us requesting access to our table. Being the lustful gentlemen that we were, we quickly agreed to their request. Soon we were all sitting around the table engaged in various conversations and maneuvering into plans of voiceless strategy caught up in the minds of each person. Being thoroughly drunk and incapacitated by my injury I kept to myself and quietly observed the others. My eyes kept returning to the lovely person who I was soon introduced to.

Her name was Christina. Whenever I looked away I couldn’t focus on anything that I saw with my eyes because my mind kept seeing her wonderful smile and her divine appearance. I looked back and she was looking right at me, right into me. My body pulsed and my blood boiled. She reached for me beneath the table with her toes and I acknowledged her desire with an equal appetite. She was in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine and I didn’t want to interrupt. He seemed so desperate and excited, which made perfect sense to me since that’s exactly how I felt every time she struck me with her eyes. At any moment we crossed into each other’s heart with a quick glance or an eager smile and I began to see and understand the future. That night our love was born.

We didn’t stay there long. And to my surprise even though we’d said very little to each other, I knew that Christina and I were sharing a special moment in our lives. As we left the pizza joint, I decided to test the energy of the twilight and waited back, walking slowly behind the others. Christina waited with me and her fingers soon found mine. The rest of the evening was spent in the essence of her. We forgot everything we knew and lost ourselves in each other. I didn’t know what was happening except for the realization that I never wanted this night to end. I’m grateful that it hasn’t. Through trails filled with happiness and tears and extreme passion as well as electric flashes of despair, Christina and I are still living inside what gave birth that night eight years ago.

I will always remember the way that you throw back your head with laughter when joy fills you up like a balloon. I will always hold the caresses you give to me close to my heart. I shall always challenge myself when the light of love fades inside me causing my weaknesses to be exposed. I will always love you, Christina. I will always cherish you like I did that night.