Friday, April 06, 2007


The moon cuts silvery pale lines along her porcelain skin. In the shadow she's pale as a ghost, but there's darkness all around her, engulfing her from her head down to her feet on the floorboards. I watch her hands move, her mouth move, her hair bounce around her shoulders. I think that she might be the most beautiful creature that I have ever seen, and I don't mean that because I'm in love with her, which I am but not in the way that everyone thinks. I mean it because she is the only person in the world that I can trust right now. She's the only person who believes in my mission.

Outside my window the night swirls around the landscape. The city lights vanished long ago, fading within our wake. Lila's cream comet cuts through the dark wedge like a meteor from decades before we were born propelling us forward toward that deep seated secret that worms around inside our warmth forcing goosebumps to sprout upon our skin. I shudder a bit and roll up my window, tired of feeling the cool air on my face. The orange-red glow of the car lighter shimmers on Lila's cheek as she sucks at the American Spirit, a faint smile rising on her lips as the nicotine takes effect.

I hear those are bad for your health.

It's a little joke we have between us. She laughs the way that she always does. That's why I love her. She's the only person who understands me right now.

She used to hate me, or so she says, a couple of years ago when we were still in high school. She said that I always acted like I was too good for them. I pretended that I didn't know what them she was talking about but I did know. I did act like that. Although it doesn't really bother me now, thinking about how I was before my body began to feel shallow and empty, before the nightmare descended upon me. I was thoughtless and careless, buried in my nescient life. Many of us would recognize the teenage pattern that gave way to my adolescent years. I just don't care about those feelings and thoughts anymore. They weren't real. They weren't above the shallow depths we drown ourselves in. The one echo that falls upon my heart with ease is the shun of shameless regret.

Over the past year I've learned that regret is the force of fading into insignificance. It is the debilitating focus of limits that we put on our lives. It is the heart of anxiety. It leads us into locked rooms with burnt out bulbs so that we can no longer see our shriveled selves. It is everything that I've left back in the dark of the rear view mirror. It is the self before we know that we are going to die.

Lila squeezes my leg with her warm hand. She knows when I ingest these bitter pills and descend into depressive thoughts. She is the essence of fire and she burns brighter than any star that might shine my way. I trust her beyond control right now. I give my life to her and take all that she's promised me because I know that she will deliver. She will take me into the darkness where she resides and allow me to climb inside my magenta core. She will allow me to consume every ounce of my precious life , which is all that I ask. It's all that I have left.

Please let me have that one simple truth, I screamed out loud.

She was the only one who truly heard me. Now she's whisked me away and together we are going to travel to the far distance, beyond the breathing beating shaking pulse of humanity. We shall unmask the twisted reality of the cosmos. Maybe then my life will find its meaning. Maybe then I can impart some value into the world, or at least feel good about where I am heading.

Who am I kidding? All I ever wanted was to be left alone so that I might understand my tiny place in this life. But that's impossible when you're pristine perfection to be idolized and fraternized and eternalized into someone else's vision. How can you understand beauty when it's shaped for someone else's consumption, for other's to fawn over. They don't know who I truly want to become, where my heart lies. They only know their own sick hunger that rises up through their endless deceitful entrails. They only know how to capture the creature, a hunted animal that should be tamed for their amusement. They never realize that the structure they impose is slowly devouring us, making us fleshless, naked bones on this corrugated island of conformity. They don't care that their seed is poisoning us turning our insides to death.

Lila's fire is suddenly inside me, climbing up through my heart. I can hardly breath. I jerk my leg away and her hurt eyes catch mine for a split moment, but I can't think about it. She'll understand. I clutch at the window crank with my claws and manage to get it open enough to feel the cold air on my face once again. I gulp at the night. My breath gasping, my heart racing, I struggle to live. I tremble beneath the oncoming shadow that rears before me. With wide eyes I search desperately in the dark fog, look for the tender touch I was always promised. But I don't see anything.

That's when I black out.

(go to 3rd departure)

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