Saturday, September 19, 2009

10 Years

Sometimes whne I look at the flowers on the side of the road, they're not quite in focus. I don't know if it's the way that the petals are arranged or if the dpi isn't set right or if the blur that flashes across my vision is from the movement of the car or if it's the way the wind makes their tiny stems shudder, but it seems like I can't see the defined structure of such a natural beauty. And they are beautiful, dotting the landscape with their splash of colour, each one a little sun brightening the mundane environment that consumes us all. Yet, the heart of that beauty forever eludes us because we cannot stop and appreciate each individual blossom as it bursts forth with life.

When I look back at the man I was ten years ago today, that's the elusive vision that springs forth in my mind. It was a wonderful and beautiful day that exploded around us, full of life, anxious to breathe each feeling as if we would never feel that way again. I have such a strong emotional response to this memory but I don't see my younger self as someone who was defined, who was willing to show off the colour of his petals with briskness and boldness. I see someone who was unsure about embracing the life-giving qualities of the sun, yearning to find something that would give him definition and hoping with a big heart that moments such as these would come to mean something valuable someday.

It's weird because I've always been someone whose heart was always more hopeful than his head. I'm intelligent enough but my racing manipulations always seemed to get in the way. I was completely in love with this woman who stood next to me and shook the foundation of my soul. I knew that I wanted to share this defining moment with her and only her. She was the person that I wished to give of myself and share my life with. My heart had already done all of these things so many times over the previous three years. We were already married that day and now we were about to make it official. But inside my head I heard a lot and I was thinking about the omniscient design that controls our actions when we perform these social rituals. I was delving into the broader mind of our social construct and wondering if there was a bigger purpose to all of it and if so, what my greater purpose was because I had yet to discover that within myself.

Well, It's taken some time and I've learned over the years about the man I always wanted to become. I hope that today I have caught up to the romantic visions that forever yearned within my heart. Today, I find it easier to discover that each moment in our lives may carry such deep and everlasting importance as our wedding day. We have children now and new responsibilities and new hopes and dreams, but our hearts have never left that moment when we said "I do." A decade of love and searching and defining and embracing one another to reach this moment, and now I have vision, I can see the flower in my heart.

Over the years I have come to see my lovely wife in a whole new way but it's just as wonderful and endearing as ever. Last night we spent a beautiful evening listening to two classically trained guitarists play a jazz-classical-flamenco-gypsy infused show. When you listen to such an amazing soundscape as the one that they created, it takes you into an entirely new space, a realm where each and every nuance lifts you into a most pleasant place. I've always cherished music for the transcendental powers that it gives to each person depending on each unique perspective that they bring. Wallowing in each musical landscape has given me new insight into myself, delving deep so that I may understand this great life that I've been blessed with. Sitting next to Christina, cherishing her touch as the beauty of each song enveloped us, I realized that sharing my life with her has created such a transcendental composition as well.

She's so amazing and beautiful and intelligent and compassionate and demanding and loving and caring and imaginative and lovely and soft and strict and artistic and professional and hopeful and caressing. She has become more of a partner than I ever thought at the time, ten years ago today. My heart was right all along but in such a profound and unique way that traveling through the decade has provided a lens with immense focus and vision. I am so happy to discover this bright and clear vision of what we have become.

Today, I feel love in my heart and I feel loved. I have two wonderful children who give me value and pleasure every day. I embrace my wife of ten years more now than ever and I can't wait for the next ten years. And through it all, I have discovered a beautiful and encompassing world that provides so much for own.

I also have another mix of music for this momentous occasion. A letter of song to my love, starting with our wedding song.

1. Camper Van Beethoven-One of The Days
2. Bob Marley-Natural Mystic
3. Norah Jones-Thinking About You
4. Melody Gardot-If the Stars Were Mine
5. Gregory Page-I'll See You In My Dreams
6. The Eels-The Longing
7. Sade-Lover's Rock
8. Yolanda Aranda-El Punete de los Suspiros
9. Gui Boratto-No Turning Back
10. Micah P. Hinson-Sunrise Over the Olympus Mons
11. Jocelyn Pook-Saffron
12. Emiliana Torrini-Bleeder

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home