19 Months (the second)

I am exhausted. Okay, I know that I hardly ever complain here and that's because I make it a point to try and regurgitate positive energy as much as possible. There is so much hatred out there in the media that it can feel like the world is doomed. Well, I have two wonderful children who deserve a beautiful future to live and share with others. So it's damn important for me to counteract all that negative bullshit out there as much as possible, which is why you often find me repeating some of my most favorite themes.

But...goddamnit! Right now, I am tired. I am having an extremely hard time putting down my thoughts on the page on a consistent basis, much less work on anything more intense.

A couple of weeks ago, we took some time off of our daily lives to get away. We call this a vacation here in Amerika but I don't think that it's truly possible to get away when you're dragging two young kids along with you for the ride. We set off for San Francisco (our home away from home) for a few days and decided to attempt eight to ten hours in the car with said children. Long ago, when Lucas was just a wee one, we tried the trip and even though he made a great attempt to go along with the program, eventually he had a melt-down and two hours of screaming later we pulled into our driveway vowing to never again make such a foolish decision as parents. Yet, here we were taking, not one, but two children on the same damn excursion.

Miraculously, they both were wonderful during most of the ride up there and back (which also included a detour through Yosemite into Mammoth but we'll get to that later) and San Francisco was nice; great weather, long walks, hidden amusement parks, accommodating hosts. Simply lovely. Every day was full of adventure.

After a few days of that, we took on the next part of our vacation; Mammoth. We met two of my oldest friends and their families in beautiful place right near the village. It was a delight to spend some time with these amazing people and watch the kids all mingle and play and chase and laugh. But...I couldn't sleep while I was there. I don't know if it was the thin dry air or the lumpy bed, but I was dying. One of the days included a wine and jazz festival where I ended up pretty soused. The next morning I could barely pull my head out of the sand but I still felt obligated to push myself to share these small days with my friends, so I spent the entire next day awake. Then I couldn't even sleep that night! By the time we returned home I was nursing a three day hangover, a bad back and complete and total exhaustion. I came away from my vacation more exhausted than when I left and when I left to go on my vacation I was dying to get away. It's been a crazy and utterly maddening few weeks.

For a long time we've really cherished so much of Quinn's beautiful demeanor. Sure, she has her moments (just like everyone) but her presence was always a delight when she bounded into the room with a massive smile on her face or shouted across the parking lot with zeal at the sight of you. And I still feel all of those things but she's reaching that stage where she has very few limits. She can get into everything. Before you can turn around she's slipped past your defenses and is finding a way to drive you mad. She has more energy than both her parents and bigger lungs than the lot of us. She is a bundle of energy and Quinn is not the type to let that energy go to waste when she can bungie-jump off the roof! I know that's a pretty extreme metaphor but it just goes to show that our little girl is quite a daredevil.

With each child there comes little things that you find endearing and then there are other things that are practically nightmarish. There were so many things about Quinn that I loved simply because she wasn't like Lucas but now some of those very opposite traits are gentle nuances that, at times, I have come to truly appreciate how much they are lacking within him. In the end, I think that we have reached an era of parenting where we have very little time for ourselves. I know that people have told me all about that aspect of child-rearing before but as we all know, it's impossible to understand what those people are talking about until we actually go through the situation ourselves.

But damn! No time whatsoever to accommodate our own healthy interests? Those things that we need in life in order to keep us out of the loony bin? How can we neglect the very essence of who we are? How am I supposed to get by without writing?

I don't know how I can do it and I don't know how I'm going to be the greatest dad on top of all of it. But just thinking about it is beginning to exhaust me.