Wednesday, May 20, 2009

16 Months (II)

Quinnita does not like to say goodbye. If ever you try to leave her company she will break down and let you know how selfish you're acting and that you are permanently required to remain in her presence or take her with you wherever you go.

It's rather endearing to witness when she's begging you with a loud vociferous voice to never part from her. It doesn't last long and I'm sure that once we've left her she's perfectly fine without us. She has a resiliency that seems so much larger than her tiny little frame will allow but she has no problem expressing her enormous wishes. She gets that from her mother and it's one aspect of Xtimu that made me feel such attraction toward her.

When we met, I was a very quiet subdued person and it meshed well with her strong opinions. As long as she tended to express those strong feelings for how she felt about me, then how could I complain. I also didn't have much ambition or awareness for what I wanted in life and for someone like that, it's extremely exciting to feel a sense of purpose, even if it's happening vicariously through another person. But that type of experience will never be fulfilling in the end and fortunately for me I was able to learn how to become a self-actualized person. Now I know what I want out of life and I'm comfortable with myself and my own wishes.

All of that occurred because I met an extraordinary person who didn't have a problem expressing herself. Now we have a daughter who eagerly lets you know exactly how she feels all the time. There are moments when it's overwhelming and rattles your nerves but mostly it shines a light in your heart. She is brilliant and dynamic and wonderful and a handful and opinionated and loving. Everything is full go, rarely does she hold back.

That's going to be hard for her in a society that inhibits original thought, especially for a young woman. Quinn has the potential to travel a road that can bring her incredible joy and satisfaction in her life but that path is hidden and confusing in our culture. Both Xtimu and I are constantly trying to understand what will be the best thing for our children and now that we have a daughter, the challenge has changed. My wife knows all about it, having to deal with the extreme stress of the world around her for years, she never wanted to have a daughter because she didn't want another woman to be forced to experience the burden of not being male.

But now that Quinn is here, we wouldn't take it back for anything. She seems to be capable of anything (just as we all are) and as the days move forward, I'm trying to understand my role as a parent and a father and a male and all the subtle ways we squash childrens' dreams. If I know that my natural presence isn't geared toward stifling them and that I'm doing everything I can to help them keep hope vibrant in their lives, then I know that their joy will bring me great joy. I just want them to be happy. It's so hard in our culture to discover real happiness. If I can help my children do that in some way then I feel like I will have served my purpose as a parent.

Twenty years from now, I want my little girl to have grown into a wonderful woman and I hope that she's still expressing herself with confidence and volume. I want her life to rise above the repression and give strength to herself and her generation.

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