Thursday, March 05, 2009

53 Months

We went to the snow a couple of weeks ago and it was very relaxing. We took Lucas to Big Bear when he was eighteen-months-old and though it was fun for us, he doesn't remember it. He really enjoyed it this time. We went sledding and threw a few snowballs (no one dares pick an actually snowball fight with me if they don't want a face full of snow) and even made a snowman. We napped and watched movies and spoiled ourselves. Getting away like that for a couple of days always gives you time to breathe, allows for life to snooze awhile.

Now, Lucas has a tendency to whine a bit when he's reached the end of his little rope. We always know when he is getting tired because he noticeably becomes a little brat. He either gets super antsy, rushing around without thinking, or he becomes an irritating little slug, moaning and groaning and putting off everything that we need from him. The reason that it's so noticeable is because he otherwise is a fabulous kid. He is so extremely capable that his violin teacher told Xtimu just the other day that his concentration is as good as an eight-year-old. Needless to say, I was a tad bit shocked to hear that story because there are plenty of times during the week that we have to ask him fifty times to do something and that fiftieth time isn't really asking and it's never requested pleasantly.

Well, we were up in Big Bear and Lucas was reaching that tone, the one that tells us to get him in bed as quickly as possible and my dad asks him why he's being so wimpy. Now, I didn't actually hear it but I did get this from a reliable source. I really don't know what I'd do if I actually heard my father say that to my son. It's a strange feeling to be a dad and hear my old man treating my son the way that he treated me. It's because my dad has very little tolerance for people who either complain a lot or feel the world owes them something. He wants everyone to express their potential as frequently as possible even when that someone might be a four-year-old. Let me tell you, it's a burden to live under the thumb of someone so rigid and demanding.

When I had children, I never wanted them to feel that type of pressure but I'm sure that there are times when I treat Lucas that way. There are times when I am extremely frustrated with his loafing attitude and I demand that he do it because, gosh dern it, I know he can do it. But then I have to remind myself that he's only four, he's only just learning how to express himself thoughtfully and he's a lot like me. I don't want to push him down so that he becomes afraid of the rigid oppressive parent that we all have inside of us. I want him to learn how to express his emotions as they jump out of his heart, whether it be fear or love or sadness. Right now he's having trouble doing that when he's tired and is that really so wrong. I see people melting down all the time and acting like little children, without the excuse because they're supposed to be adults.

I'm learning that I feel better about myself and that whenever I help him instead of harass him, then our connection grows stronger as well. I love having him look at me with love shining in his eyes rather than fear or misery. He's such a beautiful and capable person, but he's only four and sometimes he needs us to be flexible as well. I'll keep trying because, to this day, I still don't have a warm and caring relationship with my own father and that's only because a long time ago, he wasn't compassionate when I asked him to be.

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