83 Months

So Lucas has started the second grade, somehow making it through grade number one in one piece. I know it sounds strange to be presenting it in such a way but we had some difficulties last year that tested our patience and aspirations for our first child.

Lucas is the type of child who faces difficulties in such a way that he can manage them but really would rather not. If something is challenging he has a tendency to get frustrated and want to disappear but as long as he perseveres, then the outcome most likely comes out on the sunny side of average. Yet, if he has the opportunity to avoid the challenge and get away with it, then that will be his primary choice in most situations. He likes to feel comfortable, to enjoy himself and indulge in the activities in life that bring a smile on his face. I don't blame him because who doesn't want to have a life with those type of outcomes, but when it comes to building character and developing into a dynamic human being that has the ability to face anything that this life can throw our way, then we must challenge ourselves.

Lucas still doesn't quite understand that concept. So, last year, when he was under the tutelage of a demanding teacher along with high quality peers that elevated the learning environment, he had to face situations that were outside his comfort zone more often than he'd ever previously been accustomed. He reacted with bouts of morose behavior that we have yet to see from our little guy. It was awkward and frustrating and sad, not just for him but for Christina and me, as well.

One of the defense mechanisms that he's learned over the past few years is to shut down and not express himself fully when he's struggling. It's something that we've really had to face over the past year as he often would come home sullen and snappy without any explanation at all. I believe that this habit of quiet defiance quickly develops in the school yard, especially when one is surrounded by peers with strong personalities who have developed abnormal competitive genes during this young blossoming time. Last year, Lucas came face to face with one of these personalities and it grew into his first ugly school yard incident.

Even though Lucas can shut down, we've also been very adamant with him that he has the right to express his opinion on any subject with us and others. It's important for him to learn to communicate with anyone in life, even those who he finds difficult. So, even though Lucas can be quiet at times, when he's in the proper mood he really has no problem telling people exactly how he feels. It's one of the great quandaries of life. When do we stand up to remain true to our genuine expression that defines our unique individual humanity and how do we express it in such a way that our message has the ability to touch people in positive ways? That's the goal that we have for him and the first step is allowing him to truly express himself now with confidence, especially when he's at age where he doesn't have a massive understanding of the world. But it's a habit that will eventually grow into a powerful force if we nurture it in the right way.

Well, I guess he didn't have a problem expressing himself with this other child in his class and it simmered into something that we needed to bring to the attention of the authorities at his school, his teacher and principal. I didn't have an issue coming to the school with this because my first response when it comes to my children is that I'm going to protect them no matter what and Lucas's behavior was definitely something of concern. But when it came time for him to stand up and defend his side the story, his anger and confidence with the situation dwindled into meekness. I was disappointed because I was emotionally invested and I felt that Lucas has manipulated me a little bit, but then I realized that it was simply a really difficult challenge that he was dealing with and that he was on an even bigger emotional roller-coaster ride than me.

One of the great challenges any human must face is how they are honest with themselves regarding the way that they face the world. If we are not honest with ourselves then we will never be honest with others. This is a tremendous challenge that has come to define Lucas after almost seven years. Christina is extremely motivating with how she handles these dilemmas of integrity that rise up with our son. Her message is always about how you lose yourself when you are not honest. When you start lying during challenging situations so that you don't get punished or because you are trying to hide from some ominous outcome, then you begin to lose connection to yourself. You go down a path where you may discover one day in the future that you don't know who you are anymore. That place is hell and no one, no god put you there. You chose to go down that desperate road yourself.

This is a vital message for children to learn and I am so glad that I have a companion who is so tuned in to its awareness that she can communicate it so effectively. It's something that both of my children must understand if they want to get anywhere in life. It's something that I had extreme difficulty dealing with when I was a child and it affected me dramatically when I became an adult. It took many years for me to reach a place where I truly felt healthy again. This incident that came up with Lucas and that we all had to face really raised some new challenges for us but we really came through the dank tunnel to view things with a new light. Lucas seems to be smiling more and believing in himself more. He's told me quite often this first month how much he likes his new class and how happy he is with his school mates. Of course, part of the reason for all of that is because his new teacher is so "easy" and he's really glad that the troublesome child from last year is no longer in his class.

82 Months

Lucas is skinny! Man that kid is all bones and elbows and knees and shoulders and shins. The most hilarious part about watching this skinny kid develop before us is that I know that was exactly how I looked when I was his age.

Over the years I have been accused of not having fat on my bones. Aside from an uncouth comment from my old roommate's father, who happened to know me from my high school years, I have never been deemed overweight. I have unconsciously poked Christina with a sharp knee or elbow more times than she can remember. I have annoyed fellow school mates with my long skinny arms allowing me certain advantages during playground games. I have eaten and eaten and eaten just about anything I care to eat with limited consequences. To this day, there are people who will question how I remain so thin after eating my fill. I am fortunate that I don't have to worry about my weight, a rare gift having lived through the age of fast food abundance.

Lucas has developed some healthy eating habits. He hardly ever eats more than he needs, even if it's something sweet and delicious. He usually will try everything that we give him. After a couple of years of fighting and persuading and bribing, where he wouldn't eat practically anything, he is finally coming around to understand that there are hidden delicacies within strange dishes. Yes, we do have some evenings when his willful nature rears forth once again and he refuses to eat anything but he's come to understand that the consequences of that decision means that he's not going to eat anything that he might actually enjoy. So he's gone to bed without dinner a few times this year but it doesn't really faze him. He's not the type of kid who has to eat, who's crying desperately if you don't give him what he wants. He simply deals with it in his quiet way and accepts the repercussions of his actions with dignity...most of the time.

I love to watch him use his body and his brain. He is growing into his frame, skinny as it is, and becoming more comfortable with the advantages and limits nature has bestowed on him. He loves to run and jump and I recently revealed the phenomenon of parkour to Lucas and he loved it!. Ever since, he's been jumping and running whenever and wherever he has the chance over whatever obstacle that he can find, occasionally with unintended painful results. But he simply gets up and moves on, best as he can. It's truly a delight to witness these formative years that are so fundamental toward creating the person that he will become. I want him to be absolutely gratified with who he is, both physically and intellectually and he truly seems like he's in a more contented frame of mind nowadays.

That doesn't mean that we can stop encouraging him or nurturing these beneficial traits that he's been embracing. Christina and I are always thinking about the different paths of training that will make him grow to be even more amazing than he already is, such as martial arts defense classes or gymnastics or rock climbing or anything that helps him learn more about his abilities. Lucas is very open to so many ideas, as well, and that's one of his most admirable attributes. He's very malleable when it comes to following through with the demands presented by the cultural and educational opportunities that we wish for him. Another attribute that reminds me of my youth.

I hope that he continues to strive forward with all of these accomplishments that I'm gushing over as a devoted parent. I know that there will be days when my perspective on his development may become constrained and that we will both have to evolve along the parent/child continuum, but right now I truly feel like a lucky dad who can appreciate the gift of life that was bestowed upon me. Hopefully the next time he climbs on my lap because he wants to be held and his bony knees dig into my thighs, I will recall this beautiful perspective of fatherhood and embrace him with all my heart. Maybe that will somehow dull the stabbing pain forced upon me with every shift of his skinny body.

81 Months

Kids are exhausting! Sometimes they knock me down, kick me in the ass, push me around, make me crazy, dumbfound me, shock me, cause curses to rain from my mouth, force the red veil of damnation to cloud my vision, make my blood boil, terrify me, pull down on my neck with the heavy burden of responsibility, test my patience, again and again and again. Sometimes they make me cry because I have nothing left to give. Sometimes they cause me to absolutely lose my temper, to the point of despair where my head tells me to wait but my body is going going going to the limit, raging and taking it out on them in some overt psychological display that will probably stain their reflections of me once they've grown out of their little frames. Sometimes I lose track of my heart when I'm around my children because they wipe me out!

And the worst part about all of this is that sometimes my kids know it. They are acutely aware that they can manipulate me by pushing on the frayed edge of my sanity with their relentless energy that I am growing unable to handle at times. They just go go go, push push push, shout shout shout and spin me rapidly out of the calm shadow that I wish to hide within. Just give me a moment, please. Some time to rest and catch my breath. Just let me have some space so that I can reconnect the delicate hooks that hold together the lost imaginings of togetherness that consumes the musings of capacity that help me believe in my unlimited capabilities. Let me hold onto that precious faith just for a moment. Please.

I'm not sure that they do it consciously or with determination. No, I don't think that it's that sinister. I just know that there is a part of them that smirks at the weakness in human nature, that swoops down with vultured wings to pick at the soft flesh huddling at the side of the road. It's not as malicious as it sounds, just that lower self that revels in the miserly contempt toward life. We all have it. We all understand it a little bit and we all have the choice about whether or not we wish to act on it.

Lucas acts on it sometimes and I must say that it sometimes causes me to act accordingly, which really means that I respond in much the same manner. The reaction that I then receive back from him is never something that fills my heart with pride, but there are times that I just don't care any more. Not to the extent that I continue the behavior without regard for his feelings but stern enough that his calls for comfort are left in the passenger seat. Those are the times he gets a long lecture from Daddy. You see, I'm pretty good at lecturing my children when my mind has sharpened for confrontation. It's a part of my nature that kicks into gear when a conflict arises that needs my attention but in the case of my son crossing a line that I'm not happy about...well, let's just say that I often bring out the whetting stone.

I must say that I never lose my mind enough that I knock him around or anything as terrible as that, acts that make my blood curdle, but I definitely have given him the voice. The one he hates. The one that reminds him how small he can become. It's always a moment that I grow to regret because I recognize this voice. It's one that I hated when I was Lucas's age and it also made me feel so small every time it pointed in my direction. I will never be happy when I make my boy feel that way. My heart aches at the memory of his tangled face conflicted with urgent thoughts and anxious attempts to squirm away from the spotlight that has descended upon him. Lucas is so much like me in that way, if only to escape the pressure of failure for a brief instance so that we may recover from the madness. Something we are totally capable of, recovering from the shock of cold water upon our brains, just give me a moment so that I can feel the warmth again.

This is my struggle as a father. How do I make sure that my actions are helping my children grow beyond their limitations? And that doesn't just mean the times when they want to run and hide, an obvious weakness that most of us have to deal with. It also means that I need to find a way to respond to them in profoundly positive ways when they are feeding the mean wolf, the evil demon within that wants to push at people to knock them astray. Demeaning Lucas so that he despises his own skin will never allow him to confront the bad behavior that caused me to demean him in the first place. It will only cause him to push down those impulses until they want to break free some day, possibly years from now when my guidance may not matter so much anymore. That would be a horrible mistake because he would spend too long sifting through the sad ashes of unhappiness until he somehow manages to clean away the muck enough to stand up for himself. A tragic road that so many of us travel, a journey I made myself, and there are even some who never manage raise themselves up.

No, I definitely do not want that for Lucas.

So even when we are exhausted and at the end of our rope, we must remember that there is so much that is precious in the children that we have. We must try to discover the delight and magic within them that fills us with so much joy. We must nourish the light that shines out of their beautiful hearts. It is the beacon that will bear gifts, of amazing people who will shape the future landscape into a wonderful place that brings happiness more often than despair. With this vision we are reminded that our efforts to be good parents will not go in vain, no matter how many times they make our tired bodies collapse into bed with a beggar's prayer upon our lips.

"Please, protect these precious gifts that have been bestowed upon us by the universe. May my guidance help fulfill the glorious aspirations that we wish for their lives, so that their dreams may contain the deep possibilities of hope."

80 Months

Lucas says, "I love to read, Daddy."

These are beautiful words to my ears. A joyous chorus rises up and little drops float out of my tear ducts. All the hard work of bedtime reading, all the time spent cuddled up on the couch as he stared over our shoulders, all the patience keeping the damn teevee off, all the training regarding the important things in life...some of it is actually paying off!

It's so true, though. Whenever Lucas sits down for a moment to do some inane everyday thing that doesn't require brainpower, he'll grab a book and multi-task. When we hop in the car to run errands, he'll dutifully ask if he can bring Calvin & Hobbes along for the ride. Whenever we venture down to the local library, he'll bring me book after book that he wants to check out. He is becoming a voracious reader.

We had a sit-down with his teacher and one of the few aspects of his education where Lucas is a little bit lacking is in reading and comprehension, along with his writing skills. It's definitely something that Christina and I were already aware of but it's not something that concerned us too much. Mostly because he really does enjoy reading as much as he is capable. So it was a bit of a relief when his teacher added that she also was not very concerned about his lagging ability regarding this subject. The reason being that children Lucas's age, while really advancing with their reading skills dramatically, aren't at that stage where they truly comprehend the complexity of storytelling just yet. She said that Lucas is going to find out how magical books can become when he really starts to read about stories that grab him. You see, Lucas isn't going to have a problem once he reaches the next stage of his reading evolution because he already has a wonderful imagination.

His imagination is one of the parts of Lucas that has always drawn such appreciation from me. It's something that I truly understand and when I see it in him, I am reminded of amazing tales that captured my youthful energy. I could spend entire days out in the wild canyons of Chula Vista and never think once about the sterile world inhabited by parents and guardians. It's also something that I am eternally grateful for discovering, for embracing and learning about. I find myself truly appreciating the fact that I wasn't allowed to watch teevee very often or that the personal computer wasn't something that was constantly present occupying my time. I recall vividly the world of video games, which were extremely popular at the time, and there were definitely a few years when my only dream was to visit the arcade every day to play Galaga or skip over to a friend's house to play Mission Control on his Atari or to even possibly get one of my own. But my parents weren't interested in video consoles or cable box television. It just wasn't important to them and that ever-present ethos has carried over into the way I parent today.

I was a kid who always had my nose stuck in a book. I was ridiculed and cursed at and scorned but none of it phased me. I wasn't an avid socializer and only had a couple of close friends who didn't ask too much of me. So it was easy for me to go down into the world of a book and feel like I might somehow find a more glamorous existence, that I might somehow bring that feeling out of my very soul. That's why I eventually wanted to become an author. The dream of being able to convey stories and ideas in a magical way really tapped into that euphoric portion of my brain and provided rich nourishment for my soul.

I know that Lucas also has a very rich perspective on life. I can see it in his smile and hear its enthusiasm when he tells me about some idea that he came up with. It's so rewarding to realize that some of the nurturing is coming to fruition, to watch it actually grow as he grows. It's a nuanced and weird experience for a parent to witness the evolution of their child and there are many times when the process can turn a certain direction that you never expected or couldn't even imagine. But mostly it's wonderful, much in the same way that a good story develops and grabs your attention. Most the time you recognize many aspects of their development that remind you of pleasant memories that you may have forgotten or warm feelings that lay hidden in your subconscious or even something so completely expected that you exult with happiness when it happens.

That's how I felt when Lucas told me that he loves to read. We always knew he would. He's surrounded by so many books our house probably feels like a library to him. Both his parents continuously carry books around. We've even talked about starting a reading hour every evening if we can manage to pull ourselves away from these damn ever-present computers that occupy so much of our time. So it was no shock to hear him say these words, yet it still makes my heart soar to watch my little reader, my little author dance about in the scholastic playground.

79 Months

It's well known that Lucas has spent many hours with his thumb in his mouth. From the time he was a wee one and just like his old man before him, who also was a notorious thumb-sucker, Lucas has found sweet comfort from the delicate solace of newborn remembrances. But at his age it has become a crutch and we've had many conversations with him about it, had many arguments about it and have tried many different remedies that haven't taken hold. We've gone over the subject more than enough and he still relied on his thumb to help relieve the stress.

I haven't wanted to become an ogre about the issue because I remember my parents and their hideous methods when they tried to remove the digit from my mouth. Their attempts at torture didn't help me to overcome my debilitating situation, actually causing the opposite reaction, one where I shrank further down into myself and pushed them farther away from the small island I chose to inhabit. I needed to discover a different way to deal with my stress and demands or taunting or shouting simply don't create the proper environment where I can thrive.

Lucas is the same way. When we are hard on him or demanding or even loud, he shuts down, always pushing us away. He wants to find a lonely dark corner where he can hide with his shame and anger and suffering. It's something that has become more and more apparent the older he gets because he is more and more expressive. The hurt and terror flash across his face in an instant and we can't escape the reality of what we are doing to him. But it's not easy learning to evolve our parenting techniques as he evolves right in front of us. We're so used to the lessons we've learned over the years and every day that we get older we find new ways to fall back on rutted habits that have developed in our daily routines. There are days where the last thing I want to deal with is a sullen six-year-old who doesn't know how to express his emotions in a coherent way. It can be infuriating and I have often come to realize that there are times now when I commiserate with my own parents and some of their methods that I always hoped to never repeat if I had children of my own.

But ultimately I know in my heart that my gruff, lazy response will get me nowhere with Lucas because he's a lot like me and it's taken many years to redevelop my relationship with my parents and it still isn't where I would like it to be. I don't want that to happen with my children. So that means that we needed to find a better outcome to the thumb situation. Lucas needed us to help him push his boundaries and find some peace in his heart when the storm clouds appear so menacing.

It's psychological but it's physical too. He is responding to stress in a obvious physical way that hearkens back to a time when it was the only answer for him. Well, a friend of ours, Dr. January West said that she would be willing to help. She practices Network Spinal Analysis (NSA), which is a chiropractic procedure that is not aggressive or invasive but focuses on the exact type of stressful energy that your body has difficulty releasing. NSA helps your body get back in tune by coordinated trigger points that help release all that negative energy that your body has locked inside. It seemed reasonable and she said she was willing to try and help Lucas out a little bit with his ordeal, so why not? It was better than fighting with him every night in order to tape up his thumb so it didn't end up stuck right back in his mouth.

Since Lucas started his treatments, it's been an interesting ride. He seemed to actually get worse for awhile but January said that it could take a little time, changing years of behavior doesn't happen overnight, and Lucas seemed to enjoy the sessions so we kept on keeping on. There even came a point where I was sure that it was useless and I even reverted back to taping his thumb up at night but then he simply stopped pretty quickly. You could see him catching himself when he reached his hand up out of habit and he even became proud of the fact that he was no longer sucking his thumb, bragging about it to me all of the time. It was very cute and sweet to see a change in him, even if he did have a setback or two over the next couple of weeks.

His evolution was pretty definitive though, in many ways more than just with his thumb. His bad attitude about school began to change, as well. We had fewer crazy tear-stained fights that had come up more recently. He also became more loving in gesture and deed, even kissing us on the lips again just because that was what he wanted. It's been a beautiful transition and I've become so convinced of January's NSA treatments that I've actually tried a few myself.

But through it all the thing I may be most happy about is that Lucas has started chanting with us. As we conducted our Buddhist practice over the years, Lucas has always been right here with us, occasionally sitting down for a minute or two but then bouncing up and out of our laps to terrorize the house like a hurricane. Though he's never really taken to it, he's always known what we are doing and we've tried to help him to understand why we feel it is so important to us. Now he spends much more time actually chanting with us and he seems to enjoy it! It's wonderful to see him taking this step on his own because we've always been very clear that his spiritual practice must be about him, for his own growth as a human being and that means taking responsibility for it when he was ready. It's ultimately his own decision but we have always encouraged him to join us when we chant, hoping that it would help bring him some solace.

Lucas is a very observant little guy and there have been deep, precious moments when it's been very clear that he is listening to us with all of his heart. Oh, to look into your child's eyes and really see that he is listening is such a gift and a moment of enlightenment all on its own. I think we try to be honest with him, most of all, and I hope that he truly appreciates that about us. I simply want him to understand that the greatest gift that we could ever give to him is the realization that whatever he wishes to accomplish in life, all that he desires, must come from within himself. He isn't ever going to stop sucking his thumb or biting his nails or beating himself up in some manner without challenging himself, without finding a way to reach down and grab that powerful potential that embodies who he is, that is only Lucas. If he can discover a way to touch that, he will find it much easier to overcome any idiosyncratic tendency that might arise in his life.

78 Months

Lucas is an environmentalist! Our agenda is working! Lucas drew the picture above awhile ago and though it is very simple, we still have it on our fridge because the frown upon the guy's face as he chops down those trees is priceless.

He is really embracing an attitude of care for the environment and it absolutely fills my heart with hope. It's something that he is embracing and becoming passionate about. Earth Day is coming up and one of the assignments in his class was to draw what they love about the planet. Lucas's drawing was all about nature. He spoke about going to the desert and camping and appreciating the natural world all around him. He said that he loves nature.

We are teaching him about what we find important in this life and for Christina and I, the connection that we have with the environment is something that we feel strongly about. One aspect of the Buddhism that we practice focuses on interdependence, the intricate connection that we have our surroundings. The idea is that it is impossible to truly create happiness unless we nurture and take care of the environment around us. If the world is falling apart and calamity upon calamity occurs, then it doesn't take a genius to perceive that the people are going to suffer. If the world is toxic then you are bound to find toxins in your life. If those that surround you are mired in the pit of despair then their actions will bleed over into your life. No wall or fence or gun will make that any less true. The environment simply gives back what we give it and that fundamental truth is what guides our actions when we look out at the world.

Sure, there are times when we don't follow those guidelines to the rule and they may tend to snap back at us every so often but when we educate Lucas and Quinn about the philosophy of human nature, when we attempt to nurture their lives so that one day they may make decisions for themselves that bring them true happiness, then we impart these ideals with strong conviction. I want their lives to be much better than my own and in order for that to happen then it is going to take a big effort on my part to help make that happen. The best part of it all is that when I have dialogue about these concepts, even with my own children, then I'm able to reaffirm and reconnect to the validity and power of these ideals for myself. Then my actions toward creating a better tomorrow begin to come more naturally and I'm able to encourage myself to transform who I am and become that person I greatly wish to be, to become someone that I would admire.

These aren't complicated ideas either and maybe that's why a six-year-old can so easily identify with them. We tend to over analyze everything in our culture so that it becomes less clear after awhile and when we get confused it becomes easier to do nothing, to not take action or hold in those words that might make a difference. I don't want Lucas to be like that. I've spent four decades keeping my mouth shut worrying about avoiding confrontation and I've learned that if I want to respect myself then I can no longer live that way.

I'm going to teach my children these important lessons as long as it's within my power. I showed Lucas a video of an oil pipeline that ruptured in the wilderness in Montana, one of the most beautiful areas of our country. The images were stunning, grand mountain terrains and untouched forests for miles around, and throughout this wonderful landscape oil companies had stripped away the land so that they could profit. The people who lived their had no say in any of the exploration and transportation of this crude product that controls so many aspects of our lives. The government just handed it over to these corporations who will never perceive the beauty all around them as they stick their heads beneath the dirt and lick up the darkness. Yet, what is even worse than all of that is what happens when the pipelines break and the people who live there have to suffer the consequences. It's utterly despicable how these companies continue to show their complete disregard for humanity and the environment all so that they can make an easy dollar.

As we watched I could see and feel the truth of Rachel Carson's horrific description at the beginning of Silent Spring when she writes about a devastated land ravaged by pollution. And Lucas could feel it too.

He asks me, "Why do they do that?"

"Because they are able to make a lot of money doing that."

Then he tells me, "Get the police to stop them."

"Those people own the politicians who gave them the land and the politicians pass laws so that they can get away with it and the police simply uphold the law, so that means the police won't do anything about it."

He pauses and thinks for a long time. "Well, somebody should stop them."

"How?"

He thinks long and hard again. "Somebody should blow up their buildings."

Great, now I've created a radical eco-terrorist! "But if you do that then you are definitely breaking the law, even if you truly believe that your actions are correct and you go through all of the trouble to make sure no one gets hurt, even if what you did wasn't even close to the destruction and damage that they did, even then, they would put you in prison. They would happily put you in prison and that is not something that I would wish for anybody."

Especially my son.

So we have to fight with our words, our voices, make them heard. I'm glad Lucas is passionate about the environment, that he loves nature and wants to protect it. When I think of all the occupations I wish for him to achieve in life, environmentalist is one that would make me very proud. So I'm going to encourage him to follow his heart, the impulses within that guide him toward creating value instead of destroying things. If I can put my energy into parenting him with that in mind then I'll feel a lot better about the world of tomorrow.

p.s. I have a feeling that Lucas may identify with this movie more than I might be comfortable with...but we'll probably take him to see it anyway.

77 Months

Lucas is skiing!



I began skiing when I was six and I vividly recall the rush of joy that I felt when I slid down the mountain. It was a beautiful and extreme moment in my life, even if it was only a bunny slope. Over the years I've learned how to ski exceptionally well and it has always been a place where my pride flourishes. Yet, as the years have passed, it isn't something that has been high on my priority list and it's gotten to where we haven't been going at all the past couple of years. Part of that is due to the high cost of a lift ticket these days. Where it was fairly affordable when I was younger, nowadays it takes a large chunk out of the budget just to go for a day.

We were pretty fortunate by the time that we had kids because both Christina and I made a determination many years earlier to get out of debt. Following our wedding we had a bloated debt limit that had been raised above the point where we felt comfortable when it came to paying all of the bills. So we made a conscious choice and a few years later we managed to reduce all of our debt down to a house payment and some utilities. It was freeing and especially more so when Lucas came along because we knew that we could manage our impulse control and focus our monetary energy into raising a child.

We gave a up a lot but learned to find new outlets that were either completely free of charge or had a much reduced impact on our wallet. That allowed us to start channeling our funds toward Lucas's needs and eventually Quinn's, as well. Violin lessons were at the top of the list and even though we don't indulge them too often, we have the means to give them some things without much concern toward how it would affect the pocketbook.

Well, one of those things has become skiing and I'm so happy that we've set our lives up in such a way that we don't have to worry about a day spent on the slopes at Big Bear. We can go out the door with a smile on our faces and a peck on the cheek just like the old idealized family shows from the fifties. Lucas and I spent two days going up and down the mountain this winter and he embraced it right away. I don't know how many times he told me that he wanted to go faster or that he wanted to hit one of the jumps or that he wanted to go up the lift that was the next degree of difficulty. He was an eager snowbird and I imagined a day where we would be cutting it up the way that I do with my father now.

Yeah, my dad was there too. He of the season pass and cabin in the wilderness. He taught me to ski and now we're teaching Lucas together. What great fortune we have in our lives that three generations can spend an afternoon filled with delight and warmth and tired legs and laughter and snowballs and the crisp clean mountain air in our lungs as we shout and smile with our hearts wide open.

76 Months

Our perspective on life comes from those who teach us, the special people in our lives who give us guidance that we believe in, a teacher or mentor in life and definitely our parents. Lucas is getting most of his unique view on the way that the world looks because of us, Xtina and me. Whether that's a benefit for him, time will only tell the tale.

I was raised as a Christian, being taught to believe in the grand idea of an almighty God that looks and acts like human beings, and that Jesus was the personification of that belief sent down to represent humanity's understanding of God in the flesh. It's a strange and lasting story that remains a powerful driving force in our western world. I followed along with this charade for years like a good Christian child until I reached the time in my life where I needed to find belief in myself. In order to do that I had to come to terms with many of the elements of this theology that just didn't quite make sense and, as we learn more and more about the universe, aspects that continue to evade even some basic reason. That's not to say that people who follow the Christian mytholgy do not gain benefit from the teachings, as much of the philosophical understanding of our experience in this lifetime comes down to relating to certain metaphors that help with all of the mystical gaps that our limited awareness is unable to interpret. I believe that this metaphorical interpretation of life through the eyes of various religions can be very profound and helpful in many ways but only if they are addressed with the definitive awareness that they are simply metaphors that we continue to cling to in order to help us through the vast and blinding night.

That wasn't the way that I was taught Christianity and, for the most part, that is not the view that we see when we look at this faith in our culture. It is represented as the truth, it is viewed as a reality, not metaphor, and that is simply something that I have difficulty with because there is no possible way to prove the validity of that dogmatic stance. Unfortunately that opinion isn't the way that most of the western world views the Christian faith and that means that Lucas is being raised in exact opposite of most of his peers.

Something that I tend to take pride in regarding our parenting methods is the way that we are trying to inform our children. Regardless of the subject, we try to be as open as possible with them while also keeping a close eye on certain influential elements that can hinder their growth. For instance, for a child who is six, I believe that the aspect of our culture that we should shield from them the most is violence, which is at the heart of all deviant behavior. Yet, I have no problem talking to Lucas about the nuances and purpose of religion and the way people use it in their lives. He knows that there is a large variety of different religions in the world, as well as being aware of the extraordinary diverse collection of cultures and life philosophies that help guide human beings during this era of life. We are introducing him to all of them but the most abundant religious experience in his life is coming from our Buddhist practice that he sees on a daily basis.

At first I thought that it was good that he was coming from a different perspective and I admired his determination to stand by his belief in the face of opposition. You see, some of his friends have already confronted him about his trangression, as they see it, but he stood up to them and argued and expressed his awareness, as limited as it may be at this point. But a strange thing began to occur. He's become more and more adamant about his belief that "God is not real!", so much so that he shouts that exact phrase with loud determination whenever the word God is introduced in conversation. It's actually pretty surprising how much the word pops up because we've been hearing his signature denial of the almighty very frequently indeed.

This all was a bit amusing at first, expecially beacuse I agree with him, but as it's escalated we've had to come to terms with the runaway train that we set loose. It reached the tipping point the other night when we had my mother over for dinner, who was the parent that was instrumental in the childhood religious education that I mentioned earlier and who still firmly follows the tenets of the late Jesus Christ. Right in the middle of dinner we started talking about the death of George Shearing who is commonly referred to as God by a certain influential writer from half a century ago. Throughout the conversation Lucas was shouting at the top of his lungs regarding his perspective on the existence of a certain deity whenever Shearing's nickname was introduced, much to the bemused shock of his Grandmother on his right elbow.

Now, what I was truly bothered about, wasn't that he was offending his grandmother, so much as that he was being so disrespectful while doing it. The main problem with the conflicts occurring between many of the religions around the world is that one doesn't have any respect for the other. The most important aspect of our human community is the basic understanding of the sanctity of life, which is at the root of all religions, all philosophies. It is impossible to denegrate another human being and not give up this valuable understanding of human interconnectedness. Once that happens, our devotion to our faith begins to lose validity. We no longer have the power to affect a profound and positive change in the lives of others.

Not only that, but Lucas was just annoying the hell out of me. Imagine how he might be annoying to those people who truly do believe in the idea of a Christian God, even if they are only six-years-old? So we had a long talk the next day about respecting other people and the purpose of dialogue in our mutually civil society. No, that's not a joke, and it wasn't the first time that he was given a lecture like that. Like I said, we tend to tell him more about any given subject, rather than less.

But I'm so proud of him in many ways. He does have immense confidence when communicating with others. He believes in the power of his words and he's willing to express it. I never did that when I was a kid. He can stand on a stage and play a musical instrument in front of thousands of people. Something else I didn't do. He has a strength that I always hoped would become him, but he's also very sweet and joyful and generous. Were also beginning to see that he has passion, as well, a fire that burns with dignity. Just something else to admire, I suppose.

75 Months

We have reached another milestone with Lucas: he's lost his first tooth.

It's so hard not to notice that our little guy is growing up and this phenomenal event is bringing that reality very close to my heart. One of our new year's resolutions as parents was that we have to get more serious about Lucas's education. He's such a wise little man that we have the tendency to take him for granted. Sure, we've had moments the past year where he's resisted the efforts whenever it gets to be a struggle for him. He has natural ability in so many ways but learning isn't magic. It takes effort and Lucas is reaching that age where his lazy gene is kicking in. He's going to have to find his inner determination in order to overcome some of these difficulties.

One philosophy of parenting that Christina and I completely agree with is that our children must develop a strong work ethic. It's something that both of us have struggled with in our lives and when I look around at our society, I believe that it is one of the greatest downfalls of our culture. I'm not trying to point out any specific examples but I know that if we focused on working toward our dreams, then half of the crap that plagues our society would disappear naturally. A civilization that is full of those who structure their lives around the essence of what makes them happy will create value. This idea is a fundamental aspect of my life philosophy and even though I have many days where it's not being enacted as powerfully as I want it to, I know that if I forgot myself, then my life would swirl down a dank drain.

But it's hard injecting that type of work ethic into your children's lives. We have so many distractions and responsibilities before we had kids and now we need to find even more energy to focus on them during those few minutes we have left in the day. Well, here we go. 2011 is the year that Lucas gets serious and that means we have to get serious. I knew that the time would eventually come, never being of the mind that I needed to mold him into Mozart from the moment of conception, but it appears that six is the year where it's all going to come together. I truly believe he's ready for anything that we can throw at him.

First up: violin. Lucas is now in his third year of violin lessons and it's been absolutely wonderful. He took it up fairly quickly and he has the mental where-with-all to memorize songs very easily. We've been on cruise control with it for awhile but technically, he hasn't advanced that drastically. I could really see it when a boy his age played next to him. A year ago, they were very equal but, even though Lucas can play all of the same songs, this kid is just more sound with all of the technical aspects; posture, bowing, etc. I realized that Lucas hasn't developed with those things in over a year. He knows more songs but he's still falling back on pedestrian habits. He needs to grow with his playing skills and that means we need to be more vigilant. I know, without a doubt, that this other boy in his class has to practice assiduously and, though we try to get him on the instrument daily, it just doesn't happen with Lucas.

It's crazy to imagine how much we've changed as human beings since Lucas came into our lives. Christina and I look at life in completely new and revelatory ways. To think about the future in such a dramatic way, seeing your child's life beyond who you are, is so telling. It's the seed of compassion to imagine someone else's life with such care, that you wish only incredible fortune for them even if that means giving up on some of your selfish desires. Yet, you can't escape it. He's waking you up in the morning with his sweet-sour breath begging for cereal or dragging you out the door so that he can run ragged at the park. He's smiling at you with a toothbrush in his mouth, an empty space where his tooth used to be or he's dreaming in the dark of his room after the hours have stolen him away until tomorrow.

Today, I watched him scooter around the neighborhood as we went for a walk to do a few errands. He would race off ahead, growing smaller and smaller until he felt he was almost too far. Then he would look back with a big grin on his face. That's the exact mental image I wish to have of him growing into a man someday; eager and full of life but still looking back at us with hope in his eyes that we'll still be there watching him. He doesn't have anything to worry about because we will be there looking at him. Along with Quinn, Christina and I love nothing as much as the two of them. They have become our hearts.

I have to admit that there was also a hint of sadness skating on the sun as it cascaded down, spotlighting my beautiful boy. As the distance made him shrink in my eyes, I realized that, with each day, the memory of the little boy we cherished so dearly grows smaller and smaller, as well.

74 Months

Ever since Lucas learned to crawl we've had our two little dogs running away from him as he's scrambled and chased after them. Mishu and Schmokie have been with us from the very beginning, the first two "little ones" in our family. Unfortunately that dynamic has changed, as Schmokie has left us for greener pastures, as they say.

It's so crazy around here after the event, which wasn't a peaceful passing, and I was very concerned about how Lucas and Quinn were going to handle the entire situation. This is the first time that they are dealing with the death of a loved one and Schmokie was dearly loved.

Death is such a powerful presence in our lives but we rarely address it in our society. I'm not sure how it first came up with the kids but Lucas is usually very pragmatic when he speaks about it. There's not any type of perception that we go to a better place or that our soul moves on or even that we have a multiple lives, though the idea of reincarnation is connected to the branch of Buddhism that we follow. What he understands is that everybody dies and no one truly knows what happens after death.

With Schmokie's death, we've become inherently aware that, even though we don't know exactly what happens to those who die, those who remain behind suffer tremendously. We each deal with this profound experience in our own way. Some of us deny it, hold it in and digest it in our guts, over-analyzing and being very cerebral about it. Some of us just accept it and try to appreciate the nuances of life as it transforms around us. Some of us grieve deeply and allow the sadness to bubble out, in order to find some way to overcome the intense loss. Some of us get angry and manic and depressed and overwhelmed.

For a couple of days Lucas was sad about it, allowing a few moments with tear-stained eyes to overflow and wash his cheeks, seeking the comfort of Christina's warm arms. Quinn doesn't seem to be very aware of what happened but she's asked a lot of questions, of which we try to be as honest as we can be with her. They've resorted to playing a game called Blood. Taking their stuffed animals, they pretend that their stuffed companions have passed on from this life and they take some time to bury them and talk about what they mean to them. This follows a similar ceremony that we had with Schmokie and it's very interesting to watch them process the entire event in their own little way. It's effective and human and my heart goes out to them.

After all that has happened, Schmokie was truly Christina's companion. The kids often tortured the dogs to the point that they would snap at their little outstretched hands and I tolerated the little guy, where Mishu is considered more my dog. So Christina lost a truly great friend, who provided much nourishment for her and after I thought about his too-short history, I realized that he was meant for her. He came to her so that she could traverse a difficult time in her life. He gave her his heart and she's lost a little bit of hers now that he's left us.

He was very cute and only gave you love, expressing complete devotion with those precious eyes and lolling tongue that always brought a smile to your face. He carved out a unique place in our home and he will be forever missed.

73 Months

Halloween has come to casawex and Lucas is having mixed feelings about it.

About a month ago, after we went to Sea World and saw the Shamu show, Lucas insisted that he wanted to be an orca whale for Halloween. We thought that it was a great idea since we like to make the kids' costumes instead of just buying them at the store. The orca idea was one that we could handle without getting too elaborate with the technical side of things. Christina did her mind maneuverings and figured out that all we would need was a black hoodie and some white material to sew on the outside for the patterns. Then Quinnie said that she wanted to be a pink shark and, bingo, we were ready to go to the thrift store to look for a couple of hoodies.

Every year, at Lucas's school, they have a Halloween costume parade for the second grade and below. It's a rather modest affair out on the blacktop, mostly for the parents to come and see all the little ones in their outfits. Supposed to be cute, right? Well, this year turned out to be a bit annoying. First thing in the morning, Lucas decided that he didn't want to wear his costume during the parade, even though he had tried it on at home and said that he liked it. We had to fight him and for the first time since he began riding the bus in the morning, he wouldn't ackowledge us as it pulled away from the curb (normally he has to wave at us about twenty times). When we finally arrived at his school to the scene of the parade it was pretty obvious that Lucas wasn't happy about participating. I perceived that he thought that his costume wasn't cool enough. All the boys were ninjas and all the girls were fairies or princesses, all store bought of course.

Christina and I often try to give our children a different perspective on the world. We could have just bought him some walmart thing and he probably would've been happier at school but we just can't do it. For us, halloween is about using your imagination and creating a new persona for the day. It's too boring to just go out and buy one when you can create it out of various fragments. It's more interesting to use the creative part of your brain, as well as develop a little work ethic. It makes sense to us but we are a little bit more crunchy and granola than your typical parent.

So, Lucas ended up wearing his un-cool costume that was really cooler than most of the rest and definitely more appropriate than half of them. Most of the girl costumes were child versions of what their parents probably wear, sexy-this and sexy-that, except these kids are six, sixy-fairy and sixy-princess, completely stupid. We even saw a little boy who was dressed up as a pimp. Yeah, it's hard to imagine having that conversation around the dinner table.

"What do you want to be for Halloween this year, Johnny?"
"Oh, I don't know. A ninja, maybe."
"How about someone who abuses women for a living?"
"OMG! That's fucking hilarious, Honey!"

It was mostly just a complete disaster. The parade was chaotic and no one seemed to be paying attention to anyone else and the sun was baking down on everybody and by the end of it, Christina and I had quickly come to the conclusion that this year was going to be the last time we forced Lucas to go through that debacle.

Later in the day, Lucas was running around the house in his costume with a happy smile upon his face. Apparently it was just the whole peer pressure school environment aspect that was hindering his enjoyment of the holiday. Welcome to the scholastic community. Where we have very little control of how he's being influenced and where his education of adapting to the idiocracy has begun. Once he was back in his comfortable abode where he's allowed to express himself in every reasonable way possible, Lucas had transformed back into the delightful child that we love so much.

Nanna nd Nonno came over and they left with the kids to wander the neighborhood with all of the other ghouls and goblins and witches and fairies. They came back with bags full of candy, which Christina and I immediately helped ourselves to, and then they drifted off to sleep with pumpkin giants and skeleton bones dancing in their heads. It was a Halloween to remember and another moment in parenthood where we learned the lesson of humility. Sometimes our children know a lot more about the tenor of our environment than we may ever understand and when they turn away with such disdain, it's probably better to just take a short vacation for awhile.

6 Years (72 months)

Lucas had a cool birthday party at the Solid Rock Gym. He really took to it and scrambled up the walls without any problem. It was interesting to watch all of the kids and get a new perspective on them with the climbing. It's such a different skill-set, one that's not normally broached in our everyday athletic awareness. The kids who aren't the most athletically gifted but who have a knack for climbing totally thrived at the gym. Lucas was one of those guys. He always likes to climb trees or various angles of the jungle gyms at the park or simply trying to scale new heights in the home. We'll even walk in on him in his room today standing on the top of the chest of drawers trying to get at some toy that we intentionally put as high as possible so they won't get it on their own. Apparently Lucas has other plans for them.

I suppose that it's time to find better hiding places for the "secret" stuff that should remain exclusively part of Christina and my playthings because Lucas's behavior is telling us that he's going to discover it somehow. I guess that begs the question of what we should allow our children to see us do. We all take great efforts to shield them from certain adult activities for obvious and good reasons, but we don't hide everything from them. We drink freely around them, figuring that since we've reached a level of maturity where we don't get blasted every time we crack open a bottle then there's not really a problem. But it's no secret that alcohol is a major issue with teenagers and just about everybody that age indulges to some extent. There are so many mixed messages that we are sending kids about what is expected of them as they go through those difficult years of change that it's almost impossible to understand how to experiment productively. Let's face it, teenagers are going to experiment and we'd better start thinking about it now so that we can communicate the difference between what constitutes a healthy level of dabbling and a what is flat out dangerous. Hopefully the way we've communicated with our children over the years will encourage them to hear us even when they don't really want to listen.

Take rock-climbing for instance. I don't think any of the kids that came to Lucas's birthday party had ever climbed walls like that before. They're straight-up, inverted, upside-down, practically any degree of difficulty possible. They looked up with tentative eyes and wondered what the hell they were getting into. Then, once the demonstration was over, each of them took to it with their own variety of confidence or hesitance. Some of them started slow then didn't want to stop. Some did it once then was finished. One kid wouldn't even do it once. One kid's little sister went up with more confidence than her brother who was two years older than her. But they all had their own new experience and how they handled it was reflected in just what type of person they truly were.

Engaging in new experiences are the true tests of our character. We either jump right into it or shy away, or we're really curious or close-minded, or we pretend to be something we're not and miss the entire point of trying something new. No matter who we are or where we came from, learning a new skill or being educated in some form or another helps us grow. Watching Lucas develop from the moment that he was born has been an eye-opening experience for me and I've always marveled at the rapid pace of growth that his little frame has gone through. Well, now he's turned six and it seems like he's beginning to decide what avenues he wants to pursue for his own development. Sure Christina and I have our agenda for him but it's so rewarding to sit down and have conscientious discussions about his feelings and his needs in a way that ultimately respects both of our ideas. It's not always perfect but as long as we keep reminding ourselves that he is a unique individual and not just my child, who I want to coddle and hold, then our relationship will have the chance to grow alongside the constant development that is happening before our eyes.

Just as it was hard to imagine, six years ago, who he would be today, I know that six years from now I will be just as astounded by the little guy who will be staring those teenage years right in the face. And if he approaches them the way that he dealt with that twenty foot sheer wall at the Solid Rock Gym, then he should have no trouble scrambling over the rocky terrain in store for him.

71 Months

There are a few certain films that I really want to watch with my kids; Star Wars, Time Bandits, Blade Runner, mostly a bunch of cool films from my generation that may be lost in the distant past. I guess I really want Lucas and Quinn to grow up with a deeper awareness about the fine nuances of cinematic gold. I'm sure there will always be wonderful new films that become iconic flavor for their generation and I'm one who values the creative expression within the achievements of film, so I look forward to taking that journey with them but, I don't know if it's simply to keep a small part of my youth alive or to boast so dramatically like every other aging generation has done so, part of the journey will be one that descends into the past to marvel at the wonder and cheesiness of film from the 80's.

First up appears to be E.T., Steven Spielberg's ode to the ethereal childlike imagination in all of us. I've been a strict curator toward the media input that enters our children's brains. Most of that is due to the rampant violence that permeates our culture and the level of degree regarding when a young person is prepared for some of that violence. I could care less about a film that has too many fucking curse words, such as Pulp fiction, though also very violent, or one with that is too sexualized, though many films of that nature tend to be fairly violent toward women with its steamy depiction of lust viewed strictly through the lens of male prostratial incontinence, as well as anything that may be misconstrued as having an adverse effect on the mind of a child, like psychedelic interpretations of our worldly perspective brought about through various alternative lifestyles against the status quo, also often put alongside dramatic and violent expressions upon the silver screen, which is why we must be vigilant protectors when it comes to what we allow our children to watch. So I guess that brings me all the way back around to E.T., which wasn't violent in any way whatsoever, not that I could actually recall when I was forced to think about it ahead of time.

Well, It turns out that I should've been more concerned about whether or not it was a movie worth passing on to future generations regardless of content. Seeing it all of these years later, it's very apparent that it's just not a very good movie. Sure, it's entertaining for kids and it does capture a sense of wonder about the way we look at the stars, but it's just pretty poor filmmaking, all in all. Story arc is very clichéd with sappy dialogue and cheesy special effects. The animatronics of E.T. are pretty good but there is so much potential in this idea that is dumbed down and diluted that it all comes off as a pretty sad display of filmmaking.

But let's be honest. Steven Spielberg is really not a great filmmaker. After watching this movie, I began to think about all of his other films and I realized that he essentially makes movies for kids. He really catapulted out of his fame from Jaws and Close Encounters, probably his two most honest films, into a realm of watered-down fun-filled escapades for the delight of the masses. Yeah, I really liked some of them when I was fourteen but once you view it through a critical lens, it becomes very apparent that most of his movies lack a little something, a soul perhaps. Even his very serious films that garnered him so much respect in the shielded world of Hollywood (Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan) are almost unwatchable more than once because it's easy to see how contrived they are and don't get me started on Munich, his other serious film, that is probably one of the worst movies ever made. Cheap and generic are two words that come to mind when I think of Spielberg now and for many years, I have avoided his movies at all cost.

Well, I guess I should remember that guideline when it comes to his older films as well because I did have some intention of seeing Raiders Of The Lost Ark, one of my favorite movies when I was a kid, with my young ones. The question that rises from all of this is whether or not most of the movies from the past are worth unveiling once again or whether we should simply let them fade away into the amnesia of the forgotten past? We are bombarded year after year with an endless display of movie magic but much of that creative expression isn't worth the hype of opening night. Yet, I've been catching some really incredible films from the distant past that outshines anything that Spielberg could even dream of making; Kurosawa, the French New Wave, the gritty display of 70's American visionaries; movies made forty, fifty, sixty years ago. Really fabulous films that I wouldn't be afraid to show my kids today.

But they want to see kid's movies; Pixar, Spongebob, whatever lighthearted affair has been rubbed onto them from their peers (or their grandma); and they really liked E.T., especially Quinn who wanted to watch it every day for a couple of weeks after. I try to mold their minds into perfect purveyors of fine art but the world always manages to get in, no matter how high the wall we build behind the moat. I guess I'll have to just keep doing my part to counteract the effects and introduce them to filmmakers like Michel Gondry and Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Terry Gilliam and Hayao Miyazaki and Olivier Assayas and Deepa Mehta and Guillermo Del Toro and Jane Campion and many many more.

And something that always brings me back to reality with a smile on my face; Winged Migration is still Lucas's favorite movie.

70 Months

You know, if we were true to our nature, Lucas' name would have been Luna from the beginning and Quinn would have been River or Amaranth or some bohemian name like that. But we were intimidated by the pressures of our society to conform, to disavow our individual spirit and not make too many waves. Sure, we like to go against the grain a bit and subtly undermine the status quo as much as possible but becoming outright rebels hasn't entered the realm of possibility just yet.

The arguments for and against are equally compelling at times but the most profound examples of anti-establishment expression that inspires us the most almost always comes within the world of art. We acknowledge the artistic spirit that lives within each person and wish to express it, as well as witness its expression in others, as much as possible. We are also pacifists, embracing the ideals of Ghandi and MLK, so venting our outrage and confusion at a discordant world using non-violent means is the best way for us to get our message of non-conformity across without losing our sanity.

And it truly is insane, all of the violence that exists in the world. The ways that humanity has figured out how to hurt one another is astonishing when you stop for a moment and think about it. I know that it's easy to become numb to the reality of that insanity but it's out there, a threatening ominous force that burdens our consciousness. Lucas is very aware of our ideals and what he's allowed to bring into our home. Now that he's increasingly being influenced by the world beyond our doors, there are a few confrontations that we've had with him about what we expect, no gun simulation being at the top of the list. Many times he's asked if he can watch certain movies that many of his friends have watched. Most of them (even the ones that we enjoyed at a young age) have gun violence in them. It is a huge problem; the ratatat of our culture, the gluttony for blood, the insatiable desire for havoc. I don't understand why we feel the need to introduce our children to this glop so damn early. There are plenty of impressionable and creative programs out there that doesn't involve some guy getting blasted a million times until his body turns to hamburger.

Needless to say, Lucas hasn't seen quite as many movies as most of his friends. But he's come to learn that we are not going to let him watch anything that we don't want him to watch. Xtimu and I are united on this front (ahem, I hope the Grands are listening) and he's come to accept it. Ever since the teevee was invented there have been parents who have taken the time to analyze the programs that their children were exposed to and they have been filtering it. My parents did it and there were many times that I thought they were being overzealous with their censorship. Some of the time they missed and some of the time they were right on the money. Lucas isn't always going to like it but for now he's faced with an environment where his parents are very involved with the type of media that enters his brain.

Sure, there will come a day when he sneaks off to watch his generation's version of "Porky's" or "The Road Warrior" and he'll probably think they are the greatest movies for awhile, but I'd rather create a place that cherishes the beautiful light of the moon, the perfect reflection for his little face, and have him grow within that pale glow, instead of the sick blue flicker of the television. His vision will develop more profoundly in the long run and we'll have so many wonderful memories of happy and gentle thoughts, rather than the wicked echo of a machine gun rasping in our ears.

Just a note: this song always reminds me of my little moon. He's such a delight to see at the full of night.

69 Months

We went to our first chaperoned event for Lucas' class. Running around the Scripps Aquarium with a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds on what turned out to be one of the busiest days of the year. It was a revealing experience for me. Getting to know these kids who have become Lucas' extra family was an adventure. They all have their own personality and are guided by their own little imp. It took every ounce of energy not to panic as we wandered the dark and shimmery halls of reflected ambiance.

I've met most of them at least once during the year. In snippets before or after school. Answered a few quick questions through the fence as they waited for the bus. On the hand of their Moms or Dads as we pull our children back to the comfort of our own homes, going the same direction and feeling obligated to get to know our kid's friend's parents, though we have so very little in common besides the proximity of our future under current settings. They are all beautiful and mind-boggling and up until Lucas graced us with his presence, they were fully alien to me.

But now I have the capacity to understand them, to relate and communicate with them on their level. It was a leap for me. I'm not one to be overly expressive when I'm thrust into an uncomfortable environment and when it came to the next generation, I've often floundered. When I had my own children that all changed. I was uniquely aware of a beautiful essence that perceived the world with a fresh face. I began to see through their eyes and it opened up my own with a golden clarity. It's a world-view that we lose too easily as we clamor for the responsible awareness of adulthood. Too quickly do we throw off the "shackles" so that we can grow-up, without realizing that the ties that bound us to our youth were simply balloons that lifted us over the crowd and gave our voices an effervescent energy. I miss that person that I once was, but I would never have known it without going back into the world of children the way that we did on this field trip.

I learned new things about these little wonders. One child, who I thought was brilliant because of the meticulous work I witnessed whenever we went into the class, turned out to be a bit more aimless than I imagined but then I realized that she was simply focused on all the intimate details of life, zoning into her tiny perspective of the world around her. Another child always sought the comfort of my hand as we stared at eels or octopus or lionfish, but it was like she was doing it to let me know that it was going to be all right, that all of my responsible guardian energy was appreciated. I saw boys controlling other boys with their intense energy and everyone's face alight when we went down to the beach to wade in the shallows.

We're so fortunate here in San Diego to experience one of the great wonders of life as if it's just a common occurrence. The ocean has always drawn our imaginations and part of our field trip was a trip down to La Jolla Shores to gaze out at the massive swollen entity. There are times when the vision of all that water can be meditative and I sometimes think about the cognizant ocean of Stanislaw Lem's Solaris as I stare in wonder at the curious and omniscient presence that exists right off our coast. It is a soothing and magnificent being and we have such a small mind when it comes to understanding the life of the ocean.

In the mind of a child the ocean is a wonder and it is scary, but the energy within the crash of the waves fill them with a beautiful euphoria. They scramble and shout and grab and run. They jump and shower and screech and have fun. Most of all children love to have fun and in the scholastic environment, the greatest challenge is keeping those little sponges engaged with fun while also educating them. This field trip had them all very engaged and it felt good to be there amongst them, watching them grow before your eyes and catching the enormous smiles that spread across their faces with each new thing that gives burst to their hearts.

68 Months

At school they call Lucas, "The Little French Boy".

As the school year slowly comes to an end...and I mean slowly because I never imagined when we began this great journey ten months ago that I would be praying for it to end, whereas we thought that it would give us a break from our energetic five-year-old boy but then it only turned out to give our schedules an extra item to attend to, forcing us to longingly dream of the early bus that arrives in the morning carting off all the kids to school and dropping them off late in the afternoon, so that we are now constantly teasing and bribing Lucas with hopes that he will be ready to hop on that bus come September...Lucas has fully embraced his French studies.

There are many days and so many ways that makes both Xtimu and I truly appreciate that little boy of ours. He's a genius at grocking the wonders of the world around him. He's completely adaptable, conscientious, aware and he continues to tweak us toward various and new perspectives that only a child can provide. I'm pretty certain that, if we continue to harness and focus our energies into a cohesive and knowledgeable tool of parenting know-how, Lucas will accomplish anything that he puts his mind toward.

I will say that I have also noticed how drastically our son is changing; into a mature little boy, into a sophisticated communicator, into an individual, into a multi-lingual achiever. He definitely is no longer that little doe-eyed beautiful baby boy that blew our world askew. So many times I find, when I am talking to him or simply just watching him, that I can see this grown up person before me. It's like I fast-forward ten years and my mind blurs into a crash-twilight-zone moment. I go a little numb, but I can't help but smile because I imagine that Lucas at fifteen is going to be wonderful just like he is at five.

Yeah, he still has some issues (we all have our karma don't we?) but I'd rather focus on the tremendous abilities that he is fortunately endowed with, like speaking French. His wonderful teacher has told us numerous times over the past couple of weeks about Lucas's little nickname because he always speaks French in class. He responds to her questions in French. He asks his own in French. He even mumbles in French when he's doing his homework, which is absolutely adorable, by the way.

Ever since the school year began, we've conspired to take advantage of this new gift of language that our son is accumulating. We joked that we would most certainly have to take a trip to the western shores of Europe and use our faithful son as interpreter. We thought that we could probably head over sometime in his early teens, maybe when he graduates from middle school. Well, we better watch out because it isn't a joke anymore and we may be headed across that great big ocean in just a few years from now.

67 Months

There are many moments when I look at my son and I see the young Wade from many moons ago. Lucas has many characteristics that I immediately recognize and not all of them are welcome. Some of those habits or idiosyncrasies can be infuriating and I'm not sure if it's because I was harshly weened off of them so long ago or they are just simply aggravating in and of themselves.

Lately, Lucas has found his inner groan. He's become a consummate moaner over every little thing that doesn't go his way. Doesn't like the food on his plate, mooooooaaaooooaooon. Asked to clean up his room, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeyyyyyeyyy. Told that he can't watch teevee, awwwwwwwwwwwwaaawwaaawwww. It's beginning to be his first response to just about everything and it's also beginning to drive me crazy.

But even though there are times when these whining attacks from my son brings out the bear in me, I have been trying desperately to address the issue in a such a way that our relationship doesn't become burdened by the terror of authority. We all understand what that means, whether it comes from a boss or the police or a gun. It stems from a fear of some loud and offensive force that tears us down deep within our hearts. If it develops at a young enough age, it has the possibility to hinder our growth throughout the rest of our lives and depending on what type of person we naturally are, this force has the ability to be stifling. So this is what I think about when I see my own fears playing out within the life of my son.

How do we change an oppressive environment into a nurturing one? How do we encourage those who have the tendency to shrink away from confrontation, even when it is righteous to stand up and use your voice in a confident and defiant manner? How do we connect to the heart of another so that they may find warmth and comfort in our voice, even when they are driving us crazy with their behavior?

Is it normal for a parent to worry so much about the way that he affects his children? I don't want to push my authority upon them with an invasive hand but I also don't want them to disregard me as a weak voice in their lives, one without conviction or standards. Finding this middle ground to trod upon is one of the great balancing acts a parent must learn to accommodate with their lives. Even though I'm not exactly sure how to make it work (or I would have written a book on the subject by now and made millions of dollars) but I really, really, really want to figure it out.

Lucas has a unique ability to listen with a keen ear. He doesn't always exorcise this natural gift but it is definitely present (just ask his kindergarten teacher, she loves him). This is the part of him that I need to connect with and learn how to use my voice in such a way that he truly hears the message I wish to give. He's ready and willing to embrace us but I don't think we will ever be able to communicate with him in a harsh voice. In fact, I know from past experiences that we will only cause him to shrink down within himself until he finds a cozy dark spot inside that doesn't feel threatening, but also doesn't help him grow at all. I've seen it in his clear face, with unsure eyes and trepidation quivering around his mouth, when I shout and stamp about like a mad bull. I remember my heart growing small and pitiful having to deal with such an animal and it took me a long time struggling through more small and pitiful actions to get to the point where I thought of myself as a fully realized human being again. No matter what happens to me with each passing day and to what extent my own life develops, I pledge to do whatever I can to make sure that my son doesn't have to go through such an ordeal.

66 Months

"Mommy, the moon looks like a smile."

These are the sentiments of my son as we drive home late at night, the sliver of a moon hanging in the sky. When I hear him make such heart-wrenching declarations I know how sweet and beautiful Lucas is inside his soul. We have been blessed with a precious wonder of the universe and I love to see and hear all the ways the world lights up in his eyes.

It's so easy to simply sit and watch Lucas as he moves through life. He has a special grace that guides his movements and he often will glance up with that twinkle of delight cast in his eyes and those remarkable thoughts surging forth. He has so many big ideas that yearn for understanding, even if they don't exactly make sense the first time. It's okay because he is eagerly seeking to find some truth to this existence. He wants to learn about all of the massive undertakings of the universe even when the kernel of enlightenment might be greater than everything that he will ever know. He revels in the thought and embraces it, then tries to explain the importance of those ideas to others.

Oh yes, he really wants to let you in on all of the magic in the world. It's all out there around us, you know? We have this annoying habit of forgetting how amazing our lives are as we stumble forth searching for clarity and a semblance of purpose. Sometimes the idea of becoming mature and honorable adults hinders our ability to perceive the gorgeous chorus that swirls around our hallowed heads. We become so strict and righteous that looking through the eyes of a child has become a nuisance instead of a gift. Perhaps that is why our schools all have metal detectors and we throw five-year-olds in detention when they don't adhere to a social paradigm (and why do we have social standards for five-year-olds in the first place?) Maybe we've lost touch with the element of grace that used to keep our heart glistening in our eyes. Which could be the reason violence has become the candy of choice for all of the bright young children of tomorrow; from Tranformers clutching at four-year-old hearts to online wargames numbing these toy soldiers toward acts of cowardice so prevalent in our collective consciousness, causing heads to shake and staunch representatives to fight for more self-righteous control under the guise of keeping our children safe.

That's why I am so grateful to wake up and have this beautiful boy in my life. I know that each day the lasso grabs at him and pulls him back toward some preordained ideology that is awash in the stain of sickness; racism, sexism, violence and Disney; but for now he is all mine and I get to decide what pill he will swallow. I know there's a false sense of innocence in the idea that he is so innocent and every meltdown that occurs because practicing violin every day is a tragedy beyond repair reminds me of that folly, but he truly is innocent compared to all of the torturous souls that I see all around me everyday (thanks a lot Dick Cheney!). We only have a short time to cherish our wonderful children. Through tears and laughter and smiles and heartache, we press forward and try to remember how healing each and every hug can be. Lucas still makes me want to wrap my arms around him with mucho enthusiasm each and every time that I get to see him.

65 Months

(photo courtesy of Rick A. Munoz)

There are moments, tiny ones that linger and big ones that are meant to have purpose. These moments turn into memories. They become the residue that your soul has accumulated, that covers you with warmth. As each day becomes another, the wealth of memories grow even thicker. We become fat with them, so much so that our bodies begin to struggle with the burden, often causing strange occurrences, such as hair loss or nagging pains that seem to come from inside the bones. For me, the thickening years (as I like to call them) are the most pleasant because most of my memories come from the time I spend with my family. These precious moments make me feel good about my life. They show me that deep inside the heat of every day, of every passionate feeling that explodes out of us, we can still appreciate the love that is all around us.

Each and every person has the gift of that appreciation already buried within their lives. All it takes is for each of us to reach for it, to change that which we hold sacred. I want to give power to that appreciation, to have a revolution inside my own heart. I need to recognize that my own actions are the most powerful of all and that if I truly want the world to be more divine, then I have to bring my most supreme self to the table. One that isn't arrogant or greedy or self-righteous, that doesn't allow hatred to even extend a hand with greeting.

I have to...because feeling so good about life is a most splendid and wonderful gift.

Lucas has that appreciation. So does his sister and his mom. So do Nanna and Nonno, Pops and Grandma Lala. So does everyone I see every day that I see them. It's important to remember that because I want every one of those people to feel that appreciation. I want everyone that I know and love to feel it. I want Christina to feel it and Quinn and Lucas. But they appreciate so much already, laughter and delight often crossing their lips. They love so much and they're big and open, willing to cherish you with every tear. To look at them is to understand that our human revolution happens in each and every moment. It is happening right now.

It happens when my son rides his bike for the first time. It's the classic moment, right, the big one that everyone knows will big. To take the training wheels off and wobble into childhood. There is magic in my life because I have that memory. Lucas is a beautiful and gifted human being. This is how he explained it to me, "It was my third ear that helped me." He remembers everything. He hugs the world around him and pulls it close to his heart. He has a tremendous ability to focus with determination but also to take the time to do it at his own pace, the one that gives him the most comfort, without hesitating to remind you in case you've forgotten that aspect of his personality. He is intelligent and strong-willed. It's a powerful force that surges on the smiling face of a five-year-old to wash over your own and hand over that smile like a gift.

We have the ability to create a place where memories like this are painting the canvas, giving us the strength to believe in a divine existence. They are moments that are so all-encompassing and worthwhile that we don't even question the validity of love. We just feel it blooming out of our chests. We can look at the world around us and notice the beauty in everything that we see. The potential for accomplishing that feat exists out there in this world because it exists within each of us, within this very moment. To look inward and see the bright blast of power hidden right in your heart. A blast that has the power to consume all the hate that shadows near the edges. It will turn our lives into powerful outlets, which will then turn the world around us into a most harmonious place.

And it's all within this tiny moment...whatever, wherever it may be.