Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Three Months

We watched ancient super 8 home movies of Christina yesterday, which just happened to be the very moment that Lucas turned three...months. It’s now quite obvious who he looks like. He has her smile and beautiful wide-open eyes. He has her chin and round face. He has her beauty. It now makes perfect sense why I think he’s the cutest baby in existence.

He grows everyday, sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it’s just something that I feel as the knowledge of a new day follows the sun. Sometimes I see the little boy that he’ll become hidden within the creases under his eyes, inside the frantic way that he kicks and waves his arms. I imagine that we’ll soon wear ourselves out chasing after this mad terror that sprang from the two of us. He’s going to make us shake our heads and wonder how we ever thought we could possibly do this, but I guarantee that I will never regret one moment that I get to share with him. He makes tears of joy spring into my eyes just thinking about how wonderful it is to stare into the face of innocence. He makes me want to become the best person that I can possibly be. He squiggles and squirms within my arms so that I can look at the world more clearly.

He’s losing all of his hair, not that he had much in the first place. He has patches on his head. I saw a two-year old child at the mall that was as bald as Lucas. It made me think, would he look like that when he’s two? I wanted to know, but I also don’t want to miss all the great stuff that’s going to happen between now and then. The wonderful thing about life that we rarely learn to appreciate is all the stuff that happens between now and then, all the stuff that we don’t anticipate. Waking up in the morning to a smiling face. Hearing a song that really only sounds good in the car when you’re the only one who can hear it. Getting a phone call from Christina and hearing the gurgle or cry of a precious little child in the background. Coming home from work to your family. These are the moments that are truly special.

I like the fact that I have a family now. It’s true that the two of us, Christina and I, made a vow to be family, but before we were really only a couple. We were that couple that loved to be creative, that always had an interesting idea, that cherished one another like we just met yesterday. But now we’re a family. I like the sound of that. I understand what it means to value your family. It’s something that everyone in the world wants to tell you about. Politicians want to give it to you. Religions want to guide you with proverbs or the wisdom of the ages. But it’s something that comes from within. It’s the part of us that cares for another deeply without calculation. It’s the way that you feel when you first look into the eyes of the woman you fall in love with and knowing that you will change so that you can spend every moment with her. It’s the way that you feel when you look down into a small crib and watch your child’s delicate chest rise and fall with the deep breathe of sleep and knowing in your heart that you will do everything in your power to make sure that he will be protected, that he will have a future.

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Friday, December 10, 2004

Zombie Heart

What can I do as I watch and wait and wane?
Tomorrow may fill the soul with love,
But Today I can only anticipate
What tomorrow may bring.
Feverishly I try to live and
Connect to the transitory that exists in the moment,
To the passion that pours forth
Amongst these weeds of despair
Tugging at the friable lines of my heart.

Golden, she loves.
What else does she know?
What else can she give to me
Within the beat everlast,
Within this distinct instant in time
Where she has settled.

Beyond the shadows that befall mortals,
From the break of frosted sunlight,
To the warm glowing bend of the silver orb.
Alight, her eyes will raise
This Zombie heart from its earthen grave.
Sighing in the soft rustle beneath leaves
Pursuing the soul that is today.

And yet, the future looms near
As I wax and feel and learn,
As my heart languidly undecays
And softens, dripping now,
Saturated with hope and beauty and love.


This is a poem I wrote in June of 2000. I was trying to express my love for the woman of my dreams during a terribly difficult time in our relationship. When xtina found it recently and showed it to me, I read it and discovered that some of it was so obscure that I had no idea what I was trying to say. Then I remembered why I wrote it and what I was attempting to do at the time. This is updated and polished.


Saturday, December 04, 2004

I'm flogging my flog

Okay, I now have a fotolog account.


My life will now unfold via visual stimulation as well.