We have no right to ask, when our sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

-Source unknown

I am feeling much better. I have these monthly cycles of depression. Christina tells me I'm just having my period. She's probably right.

Well, initially this blog was supposed to be from my dog's point-of-view. That's why it's called Mishupishu (that's one of her nicknames), but as things go I became extremely bored with that idea and vanished into the night. I'm back and I want to reveal a secret...I am going to have a baby. This is very exciting and frightening and overwhelming and magical. Christina is about six months along and the buchi is due at the end of September.

So here's the new (real) version of mishupishu. I'll still rant every once in awhile about the role our country is/should be playing in the world. I'm sure I'll learn a little bit about myself in the process, and If I relapse into my alterego go ahead and blame it on my monthly cycle.

There are moments of melancholy or desperation or anxiety or discovery or what? I don't know exactly, but at these moments I wonder about the importance of my existence. I shake uncontrollably at the thought of not mattering. I search for other moments that can pull me from the despair and sometimes they touch me by their immense beauty and the raw reality that in every instance we are extremely aware.

My mom says that I over-intellectualize everything. Maybe. But sometimes I think that maybe it's the opposite. That my skin is pulled back and I can feel every terribly painful emotion with such clarity and substance that I'm going to completely lose touch with reality. Yet I don't know how to react to this bubbling from within. I don't know how to convert this horrible sadness into something that empowers me to create beauty in the world. That's what I am looking for. Hope. How do we make that the foundation of our lives? I can write eloquently about it and show the people around me that I still know how to smile, but what does it matter if I don't feel it in my bones.

I want to know happiness. Is it in refuting the hate that so many in this country live by? Is it in the extreme satisfaction of Christina's soft caress? Is it in the soulful expression of art? Is it in cherishing your loved ones even if they drive you crazy with their perverted perception of life? Or is it cherishing all people just because they, like you, are human? All of these actions sound like they lead toward something fulfilling. Yet when these are the priorities in my life I find that my despair surges forth with renewed strength. At least when I cheated and stole and lied and ate my insides, at least then I knew the path from which my misery came.

I know that I have an obligation to the future. Maybe that's the hole that my depression surfaced from? How can I bring a child into a world that shows so little regard for humanity? It's frightening! I don't know how or where to begin changing that reality. I know that our lives begin right where we are. I understand that intellectually, but there is so much negativity that we are being force-fed...and I don't even have a Teevee! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA! Oh humanity better open their eyes before we truly know the meaning of despair!

"From their point of view, missile "defense" is the perfect weapon system: it is unnecessary; it doesn't have to work as defense; it generates hundreds of billions of dollars in direct revenue; and the cherry on top of the sundae is that since it invites retaliation by China and Russia, it delivers a new, built-in global arms race, a vast new opportunity to arm all sides of all new global conflicts for the next half century. It is the Mother of All Self Licking Ice Cream Cones."

Eventually all militaristic societies have crumbled due to the hands of greed. The United States continues to follow this trend. The true failing of the United States in the past century and so far in this one will be found in the foolish amount of money spent on weapons. In the future our society will be studied thoughtfully with constant reminders of a path which you should not take.

May 17, 1996

Eight years ago I went to a concert at UCSD called SunGod. Reckless behavior from the previous night had left me with a broken collarbone. It was the first time I had ever broken a bone in my body. This left me wishing for a quiet night free from the rowdy activities I engaged in on a regular basis at that point in my life. But my friends wouldn’t allow me to sulk and dragged me out to face the setting sun drunk on Vicatin. In the Round Table Pizza establishment on campus the beer began to flow and my carnal eye began to open. From the patio where we’d settled for the past hour I spotted a beauty with a warm smile and a hand clutching a pitcher of beer escape the internal room of the pizza parlor into the crowded spacious night. I looked away for a moment and when I turned back this woman with dark eyes and flowing hair and her friend were standing before us requesting access to our table. Being the lustful gentlemen that we were, we quickly agreed to their request. Soon we were all sitting around the table engaged in various conversations and maneuvering into plans of voiceless strategy caught up in the minds of each person. Being thoroughly drunk and incapacitated by my injury I kept to myself and quietly observed the others. My eyes kept returning to the lovely person who I was soon introduced to.

Her name was Christina. Whenever I looked away I couldn’t focus on anything that I saw with my eyes because my mind kept seeing her wonderful smile and her divine appearance. I looked back and she was looking right at me, right into me. My body pulsed and my blood boiled. She reached for me beneath the table with her toes and I acknowledged her desire with an equal appetite. She was in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine and I didn’t want to interrupt. He seemed so desperate and excited, which made perfect sense to me since that’s exactly how I felt every time she struck me with her eyes. At any moment we crossed into each other’s heart with a quick glance or an eager smile and I began to see and understand the future. That night our love was born.

We didn’t stay there long. And to my surprise even though we’d said very little to each other, I knew that Christina and I were sharing a special moment in our lives. As we left the pizza joint, I decided to test the energy of the twilight and waited back, walking slowly behind the others. Christina waited with me and her fingers soon found mine. The rest of the evening was spent in the essence of her. We forgot everything we knew and lost ourselves in each other. I didn’t know what was happening except for the realization that I never wanted this night to end. I’m grateful that it hasn’t. Through trails filled with happiness and tears and extreme passion as well as electric flashes of despair, Christina and I are still living inside what gave birth that night eight years ago.

I will always remember the way that you throw back your head with laughter when joy fills you up like a balloon. I will always hold the caresses you give to me close to my heart. I shall always challenge myself when the light of love fades inside me causing my weaknesses to be exposed. I will always love you, Christina. I will always cherish you like I did that night.

RNEP--Bunker Busters

I just sent a message to Congress regarding funding for these horrific weapons. This is my message:

End funding for the Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator, also known as the bunker buster. New U.S. nuclear weapons will make us less safe by encouraging other countries to rely on nuclear weapons for their security. Anyone who thinks that a nuclear weapon is a viable option for peace and security can only be considered a terrible enemy of humanity. This is because the citizens of the world have an inherent right to live. Whoever threatens that right is the devil. Because of this, it is unconscionable to allow funding for these weapons to continue. I call on you, our representatives, to make the correct decision regarding this funding. You do so out of obligation no only for the citizens of this country, but for all of humanity as well. Godspeed!

Please go to this website and let our representatives know that it is unacceptable for them to work toward the death of humanity.

Where have I lost myself?

It's been ages. Since I can't write, I will quote.

But let it be known, loud and clear. There is no such thing as revenge. The word and deed exist and the idea of sweet retribution is appealing but never satisfying when actually carried out. Avenging angels/ devils/ infidels/ insurgents are never satisfied. They are always left wanting, or bitter, disappointed. Our egos are bigger than our stomachs, which can only consume so much blood and bile before it is regurgitated onto ourselves.
--Margaret Cho