Friday, May 21, 2004

There are moments of melancholy or desperation or anxiety or discovery or what? I don't know exactly, but at these moments I wonder about the importance of my existence. I shake uncontrollably at the thought of not mattering. I search for other moments that can pull me from the despair and sometimes they touch me by their immense beauty and the raw reality that in every instance we are extremely aware.

My mom says that I over-intellectualize everything. Maybe. But sometimes I think that maybe it's the opposite. That my skin is pulled back and I can feel every terribly painful emotion with such clarity and substance that I'm going to completely lose touch with reality. Yet I don't know how to react to this bubbling from within. I don't know how to convert this horrible sadness into something that empowers me to create beauty in the world. That's what I am looking for. Hope. How do we make that the foundation of our lives? I can write eloquently about it and show the people around me that I still know how to smile, but what does it matter if I don't feel it in my bones.

I want to know happiness. Is it in refuting the hate that so many in this country live by? Is it in the extreme satisfaction of Christina's soft caress? Is it in the soulful expression of art? Is it in cherishing your loved ones even if they drive you crazy with their perverted perception of life? Or is it cherishing all people just because they, like you, are human? All of these actions sound like they lead toward something fulfilling. Yet when these are the priorities in my life I find that my despair surges forth with renewed strength. At least when I cheated and stole and lied and ate my insides, at least then I knew the path from which my misery came.

I know that I have an obligation to the future. Maybe that's the hole that my depression surfaced from? How can I bring a child into a world that shows so little regard for humanity? It's frightening! I don't know how or where to begin changing that reality. I know that our lives begin right where we are. I understand that intellectually, but there is so much negativity that we are being force-fed...and I don't even have a Teevee! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA! Oh humanity better open their eyes before we truly know the meaning of despair!


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