Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Seventeen Months

The trials of a father continue.

As we travel further along the parenting road, there are times when we question our ability as mentors, teachers, friends and caretakers. As I've said before it is very easy for humans to fall into a selfish frame and during those moments the needs of your child kind of get shoved aside. It's sad because we feel that there is very little time to fit in everything that we want out of life so we rush around in a futile attempt to make it all work, meanwhile the ever-precious moment is being ignored. Yet when I think back on when I was truly happy in my life, I always recall those tender moments when I really appreciated the small intimate things that occurred at random; endless conversations with Xtina about whatever passions roused through us, laughing at Lucas' giant fro, being so enamored with the little guy that all I can do is hug him tightly, sitting on the sofa with Xtina's head in my lap while sweet music floats down on us making our spirits grow warm, eating yakitori until my stomach feels like it's going to explode! (hey, we haven't done that for awhile) I don't know if it's possible to reach that beautiful space all of the time, but I think that the more we find it then the better our world will become. And I'm not just talking about our own individual lives (although we definitely experience the benefits and struggles in our life most clearly right where we are) but the world at large as well.

I was reading recently a theory regarding why humans do unspeakable things to each other. Basically it was saying that if we don't acknowledge and question our own unconscious existence then we never truly challenge ourselves, we don't go deep within ourselves and relate to how we are connected to the universe and nature. When we don't understand this interconnection and our personal involvement within it then we actually start destroying the environment around us, without realizing that we are ultimately going to destroy ourselves. It's also the root cause of war and the belief that other human lives aren't as valuable or precious as our own. This is the most evil of all humanity's failures; being so disconnected from ourselves that it causes us to disregard everything outside of us.

I can really see how that would also affect our personal lives negatively as well, how it would cause people to move away from those who they imagined they once loved. We have to start with ourselves if we are going to change anything. If we truly want to connect with the divine then we must begin by searching our spiritual existence, the unconscious mind. If we really want to grow as human beings we must find a way to overcome our terrible egos and the control they enforce on us. People attempt to do this in many ways. Some succeed and many fail. Growing up I didn't have a clue about how to connect to myself in such a deep way. The religion that I studied seemed incredibly inadequate in this regard and I never found hope until I met Xtina. She helped me see that it is possible to change and grow as a human being. I learned how to mediate so that I can really look at myself with an open mind and an open heart. I believe that everything we need to succeed in life already exists within us. We may not know what it is exactly but we have the ability to make it happen somehow, to begin moving toward that limitless potential.

Right now, the number priority for me is my family. I want to to be viewed seriously as a writer, that's always been my dream, but it doesn't come close to giving me the kind of joy that I feel when I'm in the presence of Xtina and Lucas. It isn't always perfect and sometimes I feel like I'm failing, but that's okay. I'm glad we are questioning ourselves, worrying about whether or not we are giving him everything he needs, or whether he's developing in the proper way. It's only going to help us grow as human beings and parents. I never want to become the type of person who feels like I'm old enough now that I don't have to make any more effort in life, that I've reached the point where I've done enough. I always get annoyed at those grumpy old people who refuse to grow beyond the years that they've long left behind. I will not become that person. I will always search the unknown within myself so that I can help improve the state of the world.

On more thing. We took Lucas to the snow this last weekend and he hated it. He takes after his mother and really doesn't enjoy being cold. He did venture out into the snow a couple of times but once he decided that he'd had enough he immediately refused to move (his version of a tantrum at the moment). He didn't want to touch it. He didn't want to walk on it. He wanted nothing to do with it. I'm thankful that we live in San Diego.

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home