Saturday, April 30, 2005

Seven Months

It’s easy to get frustrated sometimes. He’s demanding and cranky and needy and helpless. He is permanent. It’s hard to remember life without him, which is a little strange because that was only seven months ago. A time when our naivete still wandered around our skulls like a court jester, bouncing and laughing. We didn’t realize that we were the objects of the joke, that everyone was laughing at us.

I think that’s one of the fatal flaws of humanity though. We are so aware of the path that leads to our unhappiness when all we have to do is look down to realize that the streets are paved with gold. One day after Lucas turned seven (months) both Xtina and I found ourselves telling a close friend about our recent travails as parents. There was resignation in our voice and a distant look in our eyes. Were we pining for our lost selves, wishing for the unthinkable? I don’t know, but afterward Xtina tells me, “That’s it, I’m not complaining about him anymore.” Sure he’s difficult and a burden and there are times when his presence reminds you that being selfish is a curse because it brings out the worse in others, as well as yourself. Time is a precious commodity that none of us can get enough of, but how we interact with those around us will always take precedent. Because no matter how hard we try to fill every moment with the mad ramblings of importance that have invaded our souls, it’s always the simple deeds that revitalize us and make us feel better.

I want to appreciate him. I don’t want to take him for granted. He’s not something that I can so easily discard when I don’t feel like being responsible. I want to make sure that the interaction I share with my child doesn’t turn into a constant barrage of “No!” I want to love him for the beauty that exists in new life, a life that sprung from within us. It’s so incredibly amazing to witness the very vivid cycle of birth-growth-death as it pertains directly to you. To see him push and strain so that he might move six inches. To watch him slowly gain control of his balance and muscles and use them diligently for a purpose. To hear him talk and chant and sing with us even though our language isn’t quite as sophisticated as his. I want to love him deeply so that all of the growth that is going to occur so quickly will fill my eyes with wonder and fall upon my cheeks with joy.

I hope that as he grows that I will grow with him. I want to remember what it was like being a child, when everything filled me with awe and the vast complexities of the world hadn’t become so overbearing. I want to grasp at the sun flickering on the wall and cackle at the sound of the wind. I want to love the precious simple way my voice rings out and affects the world round me. I want to recognize the beauty and happiness that exists right here, right now, all the time.

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home