Monday, July 05, 2010

29 Months (parte deux)

There are days where I find it difficult to understand that I am THE DAD. Just the sound of it in my ears is strange. I remember when I was a child and my parents seemed so mature, carrying so much of an adult identity. They were an omniscient presence and the idea of becoming that person was completely foreign to me. Sometimes I still feel that way.

Sure, I grew up and realized that my parents actually weren't all that mature when I was little and in fact were probably less adult than I am today. They had me when they were twenty, so that just goes to show how developed they were whilst raising me. Don't get me wrong, they weren't nightmare parents in any sense but I know how I was when I was in my mid-twenties and raising a child in a healthy manner probably would have been a difficult task for me to handle. They made some mistakes and learned a little along the way and hopefully they have fond memories of that shy boy who somehow always had a smile on his face.

So this idea of parenthood as it pertains to me has been sticking in my mind lately, like a catchy pop tune that rolls around just long enough to become annoyed by it. So just as I was getting annoyed with my shock at my current DAD label, I started to reflect on what it all meant to me as a person, not just as a parent. This idea of family has become a permanent presence for us and I didn't realize until recently that it has completely changed our perspective...on everything.

Awhile ago, when we first were overwhelmed by Lucas, I had this vision of a great fire burning over the hillside and destroying everything in its path. Lucas, Xtimu and I just waited for it to come and consume us but I wasn't afraid of it. I was in awe of it and I knew that it symbolized a massive change that was occurring in our lives. I had no idea what new sprouts would come forth from that ravaged landscape but I've always tried to have hope and strive toward being a positive influence during this journey that we are sharing together.

Now we have Quinn as well and sometimes the storm is bigger than anything I've ever experienced. Even though it may be frightening at times, we all seem to be conquering this fear and even are delighted by the experience sometimes. The unknown and scary adventure also has its attractive qualities, imagination brings forth our best qualities. Yet, no matter what were going through at each and every moment of this crazy experiment, we are totally different people from who we were five years ago. I don't even recognize that person.

The best and grandest part of it all is that we are a family. What does that mean? I guess that's what I'm trying to understand with my awareness of DAD status. It means so many different things to so many different people, no? But for me I truly believe that it has helped me become a better person. I know that it sounds like a cliche when I say that but that's what I really feel in my heart. Before I met Xtimu and moved in with her and got some dogs and bought a house and became a DAD, before all of that, I was someone who didn't know how to express the beauty that existed in my soul. I knew it was there and I knew that I wanted to but I had no idea how to pull it out. These people and this idea of togetherness has tapped into that part of my nature and given it life. There are moments now in my life when that romantic idea of a golden poetic hue is actualized and all of the dreams of ancient hearts wrestle forth to communicate with the universe.

And I can see it.

And I can feel it.

And I can open my heart and give it back to the world.

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