Wednesday, April 16, 2008

3 Months - The Second Act

Three months is such an adorable age. I don't quite recall if Lucas was this amazing when he was only three months old* but Quinn is leaving a perpetual smile upon our faces as the days grow long. She is an especially sweet child. When she looks at us, there's an intensely open and curious speculation in her eyes. Then, when she recognizes our faces, she breaks into a smile full of absolute joy. I truly believe that she chose us and that when she sees us, it fills her heart. The blooming rose spills out of her body and reaches for us in the most astonishing way possible. Her presence has filled our house with a delicate peace that we seemed to be losing with our dear boy growing beyond the baby years. To have her precious beautiful life balancing out his unearthed energy creates a wonderful equilibrium in our small home that I haven't felt for awhile.

Quinn is already exceeding everybody's expectations. She's growing so fast and with such strength that it seems like she'll sit up on her own tomorrow or roll off the couch when we're not looking. It's so easy as parents to look forward and anticipate who they will become, to dream about their glorious future but there's so little that we really know. I can speculate as to how Lucas can recall a story word for word and repeat it back to me or how when I look at Quinn I see her creative spirit wanting to pour out of her soul, but perhaps all of that is simply my vision extending onto their precious lives. Maybe all that I'm seeing when I look at my beautiful children is everything that I wish to be and express. It's in the brightness of their eyes and the laughter in their voice and the shaking elegance of their spirit. It's everywhere I look and it fills my heart with love.

I know that there's a beneficial way to express this overwhelming love that I have in my heart for them in a way that will bring out their inherent potential rather than impose some will of my own. I hope that I can find the path that helps us both grow into better human beings, into the dream that all parents wish for their children. We were discussing the nature of family the other night and I began to reflect on my own childhood and the relationship that I share with my parents. It's difficult to acknowledge but I don't have an intimate understanding of them. There was a time in my life when I rejected everything that my parents held dear and I started along my own path, and I don't think that I've ever gone back with open arms to embrace the essence of who they are. It's frustrating because I always felt that they gave very little effort in acknowledging my innate being, the fundamental person that I have become. Either they didn't want to or they couldn't extend themselves beyond their own perspective. When I look at them, I fell like I'm anything but my parent's child.

It's sad to lose touch with those who brought me into the world. Both Xtina and I have discussed the situation and analyzed it until we can no longer think straight and still, we find no clarity. I can't imagine losing all of the pleasure that I feel when I experience the golden blessings that my children bestow, that one day all of the electric fortune I share with them will dry up. When did that happen with my parents? Didn't they see me the way that I see Lucas and Quinn? Weren't there moments in my childhood when my father couldn't help himself for watching me and have his heart filled with love? Does my mother ever want to know who I've become beyond the banal everyday gossip?

Who am I? Where do I come from? These are questions that we always must address as we travel through our lives. The answers to them help us face adversity and climb obstacles where the pinnacle of achievement is lost in hazy uncertainty. Sometimes it feels so easy to just disregard the shallow place in my past when it feels so empty, but then I watch my children sleep and the horror of losing them to indifference causes me to jump to my feet. I have to find understanding with my parents because a future that is bent on repeating itself pulls people into it's whirling web every single day. I can't accept a life that doesn't have my family in focus and when I truly contemplate what that means, I remember that I have evolved from a family history that includes both my mother and father and all of my ancestors before them. I am them. Those who came before me and those who will follow.

It's incredible to think about this link that spreads through time like a stream of silk, effortless and flowing with the motion of the universe. I am wrapped up in the current and so is Lucas, so is Quinn. I wanted them to be a part of me since the moment I drew breath. I reached for them with my very soul. They are so precious because when I see them, I truly understand how precious my own life can be. One of the best ways to appreciate them is to be honest and true and sincere to the very people that run beneath their skin, in the blood of them. I can give them a history that spans beyond misunderstanding and the distance of several generations. We are so affected by this link and I think that we are never more cognizant of this truth than in these early years of our lives when all we have is our open hearts.


*(Okay, I just read what I wrote regarding Lucas when he was this age and yeah, he was pretty damn special, just in a different way...and, yeah, they all are pretty damn special at this age anyway?)

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2 Comments:

Blogger xtimu said...

your words are magic. i feel the rose that you describe and every day i marvel at a new petal. thank you for marking this beautiful time. these words are precious to me today and i can only imagine how much more precious they will be in the years to come.

3:37 PM  
Blogger mishupishu said...

You are precious to me in the same way my schweetie. Thank you for your love.

3:40 PM  

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