Thirteen Months

Oh the little guy loves to walk everywhere. He loves to tell you all about the world and show you exactly what he’s talking about with wide eyes and fingers outstretched. He loves to laugh and cackle and scream and dance. He loves to be held when he’s tired and he loves baths more than anything. He loves country music. He loves to play with the dogs and feed them and tease them (hmmm, where’d he learn to do that?). He loves to wake you up early and climb on your head, probably hoping that will get the sleep out of your eyes. He loves long walks that end with him falling asleep on the way back. He loves to watch other kids and play with them, if they’ll let him. He loves to give what he has to others. He loves to demolish a room earning the nickname Lucaszilla.

For Halloween, which is actually tomorrow, his Nana gave him a dinosaur/dragon costume with a long tail and everything. He strutted around this weekend at an art gallery and my sister’s birthday decked out in the thing. He created havoc wherever he went, of course, with his best interpretation of a fire-breathing roar as was possible. It was actually more like a screech, but he just wouldn’t listen when we tried to teach him what the real thing was supposed to sound like. No , he simply looked at us like we were crazy and turned his head to acknowledge that he already knew exactly how a young dragon was supposed to sound and act.

I suppose it’s true though. One of the things I’ve always noticed about kids is that they have the unique ability to completely blow off anything that is happening around them in less time than it takes for the thought to rise up in my head. I’m trying to figure out what’s spinning through that little kid brain and they are utterly gone, just like that, completely ignorant of your reality. It always made me feel small and I never really liked that feeling. I wanted to feel as big as I seemed, all grown up, important, adult. Kids don’t care about all of that stuff. Are you fun? That’s all that matters and if you aren’t there’s something right around the bend that is more fun than you are. In the eyes of a child I’ve grown into quite a bore.

With Lucas I’m learning that I don’t always have to be so damn analytical, so serious or such a bore. It’s okay to just have mindless fun and babble nonsensical wizardry that tickles at the recesses of your mind, the part you forgot about a long time ago. It’s okay to roll on the floor until you’re both giggling hysterically, cackle until you can’t breath. It’s okay to sit down, lie down, take a nap, stop and just don’t have a memory. It’s okay to let some of the crap flow away down the streamless past. To move forward toward what life has to offer, hoping that it might provide a smile. If not…well, then I’ll just have to keep going until I find something that does.

Xtina always had the ability to do that, to find the kid that still existed in her heart. That's one of the things I always loved about her. Even though she can be very serious and demanding, she can also say one simple sentence that pushes us both into juvenile mirth. Now I have two people in my life who help me appreciate the little guy that I used to be, help me run around with scabby knees and joi de vivre.

Thank you my two loves.

Movie Concept #4

Kontrol

So here’s what I think.

We should make a movie that is filmed entirely in the Budapest subway system. Simply because it is so intricately unique and amazing that we won’t need to focus on more demanding issues such as plot. The subway is such a wonderful character all on its own that we won’t even need fully developed characters in our film!

Well, wait, we need to have at least one character and he will represent all of humanity. He will be the limitless potential and disappointment that embodies all of us. His story will simply be one huge metaphor for how we, as human beings, must delve into the underground recesses of our souls to deal with the duality of human nature, Narrowed down to that one ultimate question we must all face.

Good v.s. Evil.

How do we respond?

We represent his evil side with an ominous hooded stranger that pushes people in front of trains and his good side? Why a beautiful young woman who is ready to swoon magically and poetically of course! They are constantly struggling with his psyche; the angel and devil on his shoulders and depending on who wins he will either fall deeper into the pits of hell (aka the bowels of the Budapest subway system) or ascend to the bright world above and find redemption.

Which way should I go? Which way should I go? Murderer or lover? Genius or leper? It all seems so black and white, this question of good versus evil. But is the choice ever as simple as apples and oranges?

2 Stars-At least there's a beautiful girl to pull us out of the doldrums

One Year (twelve months)

A few days before the day that Lucas would be on this Earth for exactly one year, I was sitting on the balcony of my Mom’s timeshare looking out on the amazing view that is the west coast of Maui. The sun was slowly descending toward the horizon; the clouds that covered Molokai were blending deep into the ocean blue and the palm trees danced to the warm evening breeze. As I watched this beauty exist before me I felt a profound awareness engulf me.

I was the most fortunate person on the face of the Earth.

It wasn’t due to the fact that I was relaxing in Maui or that I was beginning to smell of a distinct mixture of sea water and chlorine from excessive swimming. It was because at that moment, seeing that such an immense beauty existed in this world and I was a witness to it, I realized what is important in this life.

I had everything I could possibly need, everything that I ever imagined when I was growing up. I have an adorable partner who looks at me with the soft gaze of love all the time. I have a healthy son who is more beautiful than this vision that was before me. I have a supportive family who has given me so much my entire life that I wouldn’t possibly be so happy without them. I have friends that hug me when I see them. I have a philosophical awareness that helps me cope with all of the struggles that greet me day after day. I have a flexible job that gives me time. I have two dogs that love it when I scratch behind their ears. I have music that fills my soul every day and every night. I have so much that not appreciating what I have would be the biggest tragedy this world has ever known.

Lucas grows a little bit every day. He’s almost walking, taking a step here and there, and pretty soon he’s going to have the confidence to take three or four more until there’s no stopping him. He’s this bursting ball of energy with a tuft of red hair that is going the opposite of receding. He’s growing into his own little crazy reality, one so incredibly different than any that has yet to exist, and deep down I know that it is my heart that I am seeing. He speaks of the beauty that I know and understand in my soul. The beauty that exists in that sunset off the beach of Kahana.